7.30
I
was reading this post from Rougeleader this morning and it is causing me to
reflect on my practice:
Hello friends,
I am here again to state how absolutely intense and attention grabbing this energy is getting. At times it is so heavy i feel like the air around me is just saturated in blissful energy. Like i breathe in and it is blasting through my nostrils and brain, all in my mouth and jaw, down my neck and throat, exploding in my heart and lungs, and making my abdomen swirl with butterflies. My arms and legs and feet and hands are just lit and almost trembling with energy. I find any moment i find alone, i am able to go deep into meditation quickly. My mind just gets lost in all of this energy and loud but "joyful" ringing. It feels like i can "feel" the ringing inside as a tacticle sensation throughout my whole body. I am trying to say that the charisms i experience feel like one thing "inside" of me. Both the tactile energy and ringing feel like they are in the space around me, but almost boundless, my body feels like the framework im holding onto to keep myself centered in the whirlwind of energy i feel all around and through me.
If you have seen Dragon Ball Z, an pretty popular anime, i feel like a super sayian all of the time, even when my body and mind are completely exhausted and stressed out, i still feel this energy blasting out of me. As i said at least at this point in my practice i dont feel crazy necessarily. I just feel overstimulated in a way that i definitely have to continully submit internally, my psyche and such, and relax my physical twithes and contractions from the intensity. I know what i say isnt new in the language ive used, but the experience of all of this truly has deepened incredibly over the years. And lately i wish i could just transfer this energy into people so they could feel how intense this can be, and how i experience my life while trying to live a laymens life. It is nuts sometimes, and i just wish ididnt feel like people around have no clue what i am going through and judge me from what they get in my behavior only. Im going through stuff people! Lol. Thank you guys. Till next time.
Best wishes
Rougeleader
I am here again to state how absolutely intense and attention grabbing this energy is getting. At times it is so heavy i feel like the air around me is just saturated in blissful energy. Like i breathe in and it is blasting through my nostrils and brain, all in my mouth and jaw, down my neck and throat, exploding in my heart and lungs, and making my abdomen swirl with butterflies. My arms and legs and feet and hands are just lit and almost trembling with energy. I find any moment i find alone, i am able to go deep into meditation quickly. My mind just gets lost in all of this energy and loud but "joyful" ringing. It feels like i can "feel" the ringing inside as a tacticle sensation throughout my whole body. I am trying to say that the charisms i experience feel like one thing "inside" of me. Both the tactile energy and ringing feel like they are in the space around me, but almost boundless, my body feels like the framework im holding onto to keep myself centered in the whirlwind of energy i feel all around and through me.
If you have seen Dragon Ball Z, an pretty popular anime, i feel like a super sayian all of the time, even when my body and mind are completely exhausted and stressed out, i still feel this energy blasting out of me. As i said at least at this point in my practice i dont feel crazy necessarily. I just feel overstimulated in a way that i definitely have to continully submit internally, my psyche and such, and relax my physical twithes and contractions from the intensity. I know what i say isnt new in the language ive used, but the experience of all of this truly has deepened incredibly over the years. And lately i wish i could just transfer this energy into people so they could feel how intense this can be, and how i experience my life while trying to live a laymens life. It is nuts sometimes, and i just wish ididnt feel like people around have no clue what i am going through and judge me from what they get in my behavior only. Im going through stuff people! Lol. Thank you guys. Till next time.
Best wishes
Rougeleader
This
post seems to affirm again that meditation can indeed be personally
transformative. Though I have no experience that parallels this, it makes me
think my Inner Director may not be giving me correct instructions. Perhaps I should be sitting in meditation for 1-2
hours a day. I should begin this practice as an experiment (1-2 hours of daily
sitting) and see what happens.
*22
mins - The dryness and aridity are rough. There is certainly nothing that
"happens" for me that is similar to the above when I sit.
*27
mins - Stopped again. Dryness, aridity. The thought arises while I lie down,
"this is no different from my cognitive state while practicing
self-enquiry." I question what the difference is: the only change is the
physical act of sitting still...
*13
mins - Another very dry one. Lost patience with it.
*9
mins - Need to stop now. Starting to feel rage. Rage at the lack of results.
(Break)
*19
mins - Hit the rollover signal and stopped. That wave of stress / fatigue is
rough.
*10
mins
*5
mins - Distracted, thinking about stuff.
*16
mins - Not as arid now, but the mind is wandering and starting to get bored
now.
*8
mins
*7
mins - Actually feel a little different. Could be imagination. Feel a bit
calmer... mentally "different"... some vague sense of
"energy"... not sure. Might be nothing.
(Break)
*18
mins - Feel normal. Feel some very subtle vibrations in the limbs.
*6
mins - Feeling some more palpable vibrations in the feet. Should observe this
and see if it turns into something. Also, mind is starting to wander more now.
I can focus the mind very easily normally (while not forcing myself to do
sitting meditation)... but if the magic happens only with the sitting
meditation, that is the divine will...
(Break)
*21
mins
*9
mins
= 3
hrs 10 mins
*Is
the issue my piecemeal method of meditating? At the same time, I can't imagine
Jesus, Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross, and many other great mystics of
history meditating for long intervals in the Buddhist style...
*Let's
maintain this as an experiment - piecemeal or not - for 30 days, then report on
the results. The 30 days will just about coincide with my return to work.
*Piecemeal
may be necessary if the aridity remains while meditating....
*At
the same time, it is clear meditation is transformative
to Jeff, Bodhi, and Rougeleader. So, if at the end of the month I have
experienced no "transformation," I will reflect on how to adapt the
practice...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7.31
*19
mins - Less aridity sitting today. Perhaps the aridity is a "wall"
you just have to push through and I never have? Just now I actually reached a
sort of peaceful place. Nothing special, but actually a relatively positive
place compared to yesterday. However, the mind is wandering more, and there is
still no real "incentive" to sit (in other words, an effect that
makes sitting superior to whatever else I would be doing).
*16
mins - Not feeling arid like yesterday. But the mind is wandering and there is
no real incentive to sit.
*10
mins - Feel somewhat at peace. Some mild vibrations in the toes, feet, and
calves. Mind is wandering more, though.
*4
mins - Actually feel sort of at peace... nothing special, though.
*4
mins - Interrupted.
*4
mins - Interrupted again.
(Break)
*8
mins - Not arid like yesterday, but still no incentive to keep me engaged for
long sits...
*4
mins - Peaceful, but nothing extraordinary...
*5
mins - Dealing with rage again over the lack of results. Need to stop...
(Break)
*15
mins - Could be imagination, but perhaps the very first (super subtle) full
body vibrations; vibrations in the forehead; some hypnagogia.
*11
mins - Feel the same as ever...
*10
mins - Just maintain the experiment for a month and see what happens. See if we
can prolong our sits as we go.
*4
mins
*8
mins
*4
mins - Mind wanders, gets bored...
(Break)
*15
mins - What part of my practice might I be doing incorrectly? How do I invoke a
religious ecstasy like the mystics of history?
*20
mins - Tomorrow try to do longer sits... see if it changes anything.
= 2
hrs 41 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.1
*27
mins - Hit the rollover signal. Overcame it briefly, then it hit like a ton of
bricks. Brutal. Stopped.
*4
mins
*24
mins - Consciousness remains the same whether waking or meditating... No
incentive to meditate still.
*8
mins - Mind is wandering... stopped.
*3
mins - Getting angry. Need to stop.
(Break)
*7
mins - Subtle vibrations - mostly in the limbs.
*6
mins - Interrupted.
*3
mins - Feel OK. Somewhat peaceful. Still nothing special though - nothing to
incentivize long sits...
*7
mins - My spiritual friends get something out of meditation that I do not.
Something happens for them - some sort of bliss or joy or energy - that does
not happen for me. They actually enjoy sitting in meditation. They tell me to
meditate more; but it is so dry and arid. It is "work." Then they say
to sit for longer periods: again, this is unpleasant. So, I do these piecemeal
sits. It is as restful as it can be. What am I doing wrong?
(Break)
*14
mins - Hit the rollover signal and started falling close to sleep. Shifted the
body over...
*4
mins
*8
mins
*3
mins - Interrupted...
*3
mins
*4
mins - Trying but... the disappointment and annoyance over getting no results is
overcoming the will to sit there.
(Break)
*20
mins - Nothing to write home about. Found a better chair to use than the bed or
office chair (it's in the public room though).
*5
mins - Interrupted.
(Break)
*25
mins - Stopping; no rollover signal. Was actually trying to find it this time
(as an experiment to try to induce paralysis). Perhaps I should use the
rollover signal as my incentive?
*11
mins
*10
mins - Tomorrow we should try again to prolong our sits further... If we hit
the rollover signal, fight with it and try to induce paralysis...
(Break)
*9
mins - I feel a little lightheaded. Might be nothing.
*11
mins - Vibrations in the legs. A pounding / echoing sound? Probably nothing
spiritual.
= 3
hrs 36 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.2
*39
mins - It is a continuity of the waking consciousness. Some tingles in the legs
- yep... Nothing happening, as usual.
*7
mins
*5
mins
*5
mins - Mind wandering... Thinking about an argument over work email...
*5
mins - Feeling a dull vibration in the legs...
*8
mins - If something happened, or if there was a bliss that was superior to the
waking state, I would sit and meditate for hours... but there is no incentive
to do so.
*4
mins - Interrupted.
(Break)
*5
mins
*13
mins
(Break)
*15
mins - Hitting the border of sleep... stopped.
*11
mins - Just a dull, blank emptiness... Jeff criticized me for listening to
music while meditating so I stopped - but now I am just sitting in this state
of arid blankness. I don't know how I differ from my spiritual friends. There
is no energy, no powerful bliss here.
*9
mins
*5
mins
*4
mins
*7
mins - Feel some vibrations. Feel a sort of pulsing feeling in the chest.
(Break)
*3
mins - Having a lot of trouble prolonging now... lost motivation. Need to stop
for a while now.
(Break)
*15
mins - I've practiced like this for a long time and I don't know why I'm
expecting different results. Perhaps I should try to swap and do a single long sit every day... It is just
so damn boring. But, it's the only thing I can think of. Perhaps do a 2 hour
sit (that sounds super hard) once a day. Jeff says "no music" but I
feel music would help with the dry boredom of it. Either that, or I have to
count on these many micro sits leading to some sort of energy coming like
Rougeleader discussed... otherwise, there is no incentive for the long sits.
*6
mins
=
2 hrs 46 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Analysis
I've
spent some time sitting and reading over my notes from before (a couple months
ago when I kept a log of all my sits). That month I also did many small sits.
There was no transformation then either.
I
feel the only change I can make in my practice is to throw out all this micro
sitting crap altogether... I'm already effectively doing the equivalent of it
24/7 with the self-enquiry. Unfortunately, neither practice has brought any
change whatsoever.
I
think I should do one long sit once a
day. I think I should spend about ~60 mins in the corpse pose listening to
music (at least I have something to do during the damn dry period) then try to
sit for another ~60 mins till I hear the alarm that I set (so ~2 hrs total).
Since
I'm off work I can try this once per morning. If I fail the morning attempt I
can try the practice in the evening instead (I will try it for the first time
this evening).
If
OOBEs, rollover signals, etc, come - go with them, see if they lead to
anything. If a "void" state comes, go with it... If energy or bliss
come, or if a loss of a sense of self comes, surrender...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Long sit
*1
hr, 39 mins - Music helped, though it got a little tedious after a while.
Silence was OK for a bit. The thought arose, "If this is the path forward,
this is a stamina contest, not a 'spiritual' contest." I do feel this is
true. The state of consciousness I experienced was identical to the waking
state. There was no bliss, energy, etc. The silence became very dry (I couldn't
do the full hour of silence, but made it 39 mins).
*I
did see a red ladybug in the house after stopping. They are symbolic for me. If
it is an omen, I cannot discern its meaning. Is it a sign I should continue
this practice? Or an affirmation of my cynicism?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.3
*42
mins - I stopped here; I didn't finish the album this time. Again, nothing was
happening. It was a dry, arid experience. When I was sitting the war began
between the "Is" who want to carry on the experiment (even though
they know it will be fruitless ;p) and the "Is" who say "this is
a waste of your time and you aren't enjoying this - stop."
I
honestly don't know what to think... My spiritual friends are either 1.
eccentric and enjoy the arid blankness or 2. they actually experience something
blissful or energetic while they are sitting by default. If the latter, what I
experience when I sit seems to conform to what the ordinary person does... So,
the question is how to experience that bliss and energy that they do. Not
sure...
I
do feel in most other ways I am as spiritually "perfect" as I can be,
without the boon of samadhi. So, I do not know what to do to progress. I ask
the Inner Director for support, but it is silent. I would usually take this to
mean "you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing" and
"not to worry" but I do not seem to be progressing. I seem to be in
exactly the same state I was in several years ago, with the exception of some
added wisdom.
As
for the "2 hour daily sit" plan I don't know if it can really be
carried out. As again, nothing arises to create an incentive to sit there. So
you sit for a while and gradually the aridity rankles with you more and more
until you stop. The alternative is to go back to the piecemeal sits (again my
Inner Director does not say to do these either)... and do so many in a day in the
hopes it causes some energetic "trigger" to fire making long sits
doable. But, I am not sure about this either. :/
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inner Castle Notes
I
have been reading The Inner Castle more
looking for guidance on how to progress further. I seem to be in "mansion
4" - in Teresa's language, the "prayer of quiet." As I mentioned
earlier, my feeling is that I have been stuck in this mansion now for many
years.
I
do feel I have some aspects of the later mansions; for example, locutions (the
Inner Voice) which Teresa associates with mansion 6. This is my "Inner
Director."
Teresa
has very different prescriptions compared to Jeff Brooks; and admittedly, I
prefer what she says, though I have my doubts about its efficacy.
While
Jeff emphasizes meditation, and meditating more more more, Teresa discusses her
path as more of a life process, a path that involves developing virtues,
meditating on Christ's suffering and passion, and perfecting oneself through
selflessness and discipline.
Here
I run into the obstacle, though, which is that I feel I have fulfilled much of
what Teresa has described of the life process. So again I am left in the same
state of "what am I doing wrong?" as above.
The
specific areas where I seem to be lacking are:
*Union
- It seems this is the altered state of consciousness Bodhimind referred to,
and that Gary Weber is permanently in. This is just my best guess at it. Ramana
Maharshi actually advised against meditation
to attain this (I am assuming he is referring to the same state), instead advising
practicing self-enquiry continually to achieve it.
*Ecstasy
- Teresa's ecstasies were involuntary; they simply happened to her amidst other
activities. I cannot say this has happened for me.
*Flight
of the Spirit - I believe this is Teresa's version of the OOBE, though she does
not recount her adventures. I still have not had an OOBE, never mind developed
the capacity to have them regularly.
Each
of the above seem to overlap with each other, and seem to be connected to the
experience of (or saturation with) bliss and energy.
How
I make further progress I am not sure. I can continue with these dry
meditations, and continue with the self-enquiry...
One
point Teresa makes often is that many of these gifts just happen. She says that God bestows them on those he wishes at the
appropriate time.
I
recall Jeff's post (honestly it came off a bit like bragging) where he wrote he
went into retreat for a month in his 20s and experienced ecstasies, OOBEs,
etc... That is not my experience. I do not know what random grace he has in
comparison to me, that my efforts do not produce any of those results at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thoughts on Nirvana
Attaining
"Nirvana" is something I have been feverish about for years, but only
recently have I been starting to question my goal. Blindly I have always
pursued Nirvana with the assumption it is extremely desirable... but having
been reading more Buddhist texts recently, I am starting to reflect on this.
I
think part of the issue here is that when I immerse myself in the Buddhist
texts, I am put into Siddhartha's perspective. The Buddha explains Nirvana very
negatively... almost as a state of nonexistence. He gives the "10
unanswerable questions" and does not speculate on his after death state.
Unfortunately, this makes his condition very questionable. It is a solution to
"suffering" - OK - but how is it more desirable to existence as a
deva?
The
Buddha's state is unquestionably the same as that of the other great mystics of
history; and it is here where I feel it is useful to invoke them in
understanding the goal of the "quest." Teresa of Avila refers to the
state as one of "union" or "spiritual marriage" while other
western mystics call it a state of "divinization" or
"deification." Ramana Maharshi refers to it as self-realization or
atman. This uses much more positive language and is affirming, rather than
negating...
It
seems the state is sublime, transcendent, and unfathomable... it is beyond life
and death, beyond being and nonbeing... one becomes nothing and one becomes
all. Stated in this language, it seems like the ultimate end for one to
achieve.
At
the same time, the idea I can have no more "experiences" (the Buddha
emphasizes there is no more rebirth ever, not even as a god) is concerning.
(This also brings up the question of how one can meet a saint or god in the
heavens if they have attained this ultimate state? It also seems to not be so
"ultimate" if one can't take on forms anymore.)
Well,
I have recently written a "to do" list of things to achieve in this
life before passing on. These are artistic, monetary, spiritual, and sexual
goals. I think they are pretty reasonable goals, and certainly not goals
involving excessive, needless passion. For now, I will not attach the list here.
To fulfill some of the goals, being able to have reliable OOBEs will be
required.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.3
*4
mins - Interrupted.
*4
mins - Guess I can resume these short sits until I hit the feeling of dryness.
No idea if they are useless, though. :/ The long sits are more a stamina
contest... how long I can sit in the dry blankness for. :/
*2
mins - Hit the dryness and stopped.
*2
mins - Very mild vibrations. Feeling relatively peaceful. Still dry, though.
*1
min - Very brief mini sit. Been feeling vibrations throughout the body today.
They do not turn into anything, though.
*27
mins - Listening to Hol Baumann this time, not Bonobo. No phenomena to report.
Same state as waking consciousness. Same mild vibrations only.
= 1
hr 20 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.4
*5
mins - Interrupted.
*11
mins - Got very dry; stopped. No change from the waking consciousness. I was
thinking if I could make it OOB, perhaps my first goal should be to inquire
with Teresa of Avila. Perhaps she can give me advice on what I should be doing.
*17
mins - No change of consciousness; stopped at the dryness.
= 33
mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.5
New Self-Enquiry Experiment
Going
to try something different now. The sits are clearly fruitless - so I am going
to stop them entirely now. Instead, let us turn to our 24/7 self-enquiry practice.
One issue I have been having is that up till this stage every action I took
spiritually produced an immediate result. If I did X, Y would happen. If I did
Y, Z would happen. Having been "stuck" at my current stage for many
years, this process seems to have ceased. The only "avenue" I can
think to progress along that I have control over is the mind - that is, making
the mind as silent as possible.
So,
perhaps the next stage is dependent on the establishment of utter silence. I
have cultivated this and experimented with this many times over the years to no
avail; but perhaps I should give it another go. The mental content that remains
for me is what one would consider "necessary" or
"reasonable" - if I go to turn the water faucet, a thought arises
about it; if I reflect about my spiritual practice, a thought arises about it.
So, the idea here is to embrace "divine foolishness" - to go for
total silence, complete surrender of all thought.
This
morning I was able to do this on an apparently starker level than usual.
Although once the morning progressed, thought re-emerged as I reflected on the
experience.
Let
us go for this total self-abandonment / mind-abandonment and see what occurs.
Again, this will be sit-free: a 24/7 practice amidst other activities.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Experiment Notes 8.5
*While
I was successful this morning, the anxieties and stresses of the day - even
though my life is as simplified as possible at present - has gotten in the way
of the extreme silence practice...
*Later
note: Still dealing with anxieties; dealing with responses over email, and so
on... hard to be totally quiet / calm.
*End
of the day: while internally I am "quiet," the extreme silence
practice got lost amidst the other distractions / anxieties of the day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.6
Attempt
2 at the "extreme silence" practice.
*I
feel as though I have so much leisure time, it is perfect for being a mystic.
And yet no progress seems to happen.
*I
worked on the computer for much of the day. I was not able to suppress the mind
while working on the computer. I should try the practice without the impediment
in the way. (If I reached the permanent altered state I aspire for, I assume it
would not be lost while I engage in these day to day activities?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.7
Day
to day activities again impeded the "extreme silence" practice. No
noticeable progress. Had a lot of anxiety this morning. :/ It is frustrating to
feel one is going nowhere on the "quest."
*Spent
much of the day watching HBO's John
Adams. Was in the usual "quiet" state, but not the "extreme
silence" state. One obstacle is the mind just re-emerges almost of
necessity when engaging in daily activities. Another issue is that the extreme
silence never deepens to any other state...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.8
Tentative
model of the spiritual life:
Self-knowledge
(personal transformation) -> Still mind -> Silent mind (?) ->
Persistent transcendent state (?)
The
above would explain the Maharshi's recommendation to practice self-enquiry
continually - and not to bother with meditation. This model would help to
reconcile his teaching with Jeff Brooks' recommendation about sitting
meditation.
At
the same time, I have been maintaining this practice for many years, and not
passed into these latter two states. So, this is the "stumbling
block" where I have found myself stuck.
As
mentioned above, my sitting meditation remains very dry and mundane and never
produces extraordinary results (other than some modest vibrations). The jhana
model with the above would then be:
Subtle
joy (achieved through the self-knowledge above) -> Still mind (can be
practiced continually) -> "Conduit" or empty state (can be
achieved through 24/7 practice as well?) -> Space-time dilation (mundane?) and
energy (supernatural?)
This
seems to make intellectual sense but this model has not brought complete
results now for several years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.9
The
"extreme silence" practice runs into impediments as it can't be
maintained through daily activities - the mind reasserts itself when it reads,
analyzes, etc.
We
should return again to the 1-2 hr formal sitting practice... I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meditation Retreat Idea 8.10
Given
the fruitlessness of the other practices, I was considering this one. On
certain days, practice meditation very intensely. By that I mean 6-10 hours a
day meditating. Then, see the results...
I
do not wish to do this now, but perhaps in a month or so...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meditation
8.13
*5
mins - So discouraged now; very dry and arid.
*17
mins - Feel normal. Limbs falling asleep.
*8
mins
*7
mins - Mind is wandering... guess it's bored.
*5
mins - Interrupted (phone call...).
*6
mins
*7
mins - Adjusting medical device I'm wearing
*5
mins - Adjusting
*4
mins - Adjusting
*3
mins - Adjusting...
*6
mins
*2
mins - Getting very bored now...
*1
min - Adjusting... removing medical device
*7
mins - Boredom / dryness
=
1 hr 23 mins
8.14
*20
mins - No change in consciousness. Getting discouraged, as usual. Did see a
ladybug again on the window. An encouraging omen...?
*33
mins - No change in consciousness. Tried to prolong as long as possible. Got
very dry though. Sitting longer turns into an unpleasant war with myself!
=
53 mins
8.15
*7
mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Inner Castle Reflection 8.12.19
Given
the lack of results with every method, this is another possibility: just to continue
with what I am doing and try not to stress about it. I have been reading more
of the Inner Castle and Teresa of
Avila mentions nowhere the need to sit motionless for long periods, to spend X
number of hours a day meditating, and so forth; instead, she sees the path as a
life process.
In
regard to some of the states I am lacking, she often mentions things like the
following:
"We
can do nothing on our own part to gain this favor; it comes from God
alone..."
and
"'The
King brought me into the cellar of wine'" ... I think the prayer of union
is the 'cellar' in which our Lord places us when and how He chooses, but we
cannot enter it through any effort of our own."
These
suggest that when the time is right, progress will come; there is no way to
expedite the process. Perhaps, also, the Inner Director is correct in its
prescription not to sit in dry meditations for long hours of the day.
I
think my revised practice might be the following:
1.
Practice self-enquiry 24/7
2.
Attempt the indirect method with each awakening
and...
3.
Each night, meditate into sleep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John of the Cross Reflection 8.13
My
big issue seems to be over "aridity" or "dryness" in
meditation. This has been my experience when meditating for the past 10 years.
It has not changed. I initially thought I needed to do more emotional work on
myself (resolving lingering attachments, infatuations, etc), but having
resolved those issues the dryness remains.
I
spent some time poring over The Dark
Night of the Soul by John of the Cross years ago and was deeply impressed
by his psychological insight. I felt his writings on the spiritual crisis
reflected what I was going through. Yet, having traversed that great
"purgation," I still have not reached the end of the quest. As I
wrote to Jeff once, I feel I have been standing at the door to the final
chamber for years now, banging on it, unsure of why I have not entered.
John
of the Cross writes some of these passages on dryness, which reflect my
experience...
"...
these souls do not get satisfaction or consolation from the things of God,
[and] they do not get any from creatures either. Since God puts a soul in this
dark night in order to dry up and purge its sensory appetite, he does not allow
it to find sweetness or delight in anything."
This
has generally been my experience. My impasse is that I feel I have fully
traversed this stage (the period when one gains satisfaction from neither
sensory nor spiritual things) - yet, I still gain no satisfaction from spiritual
things.
"The
second sign for the discernment of this purgation is that the memory ordinarily
turns to God solicitously and with painful care, and the soul thinks it is not
serving God but turning back, because it is aware of this distaste for the
things of God. Hence it is obvious that this aversion and dryness is not the
fruit of laxity and tepidity, for lukewarm people do not care much for the
things of God nor are they inwardly solicitous about them. There is, consequently,
a notable difference between dryness and lukewarmness. The lukewarm are very
lax and remiss in their will and spirit, and have no solicitude about serving
God. Those suffering from the purgative dryness are ordinarily solicitous,
concerned, and pained about not serving God."
This
reflects my experience. I cannot think of a way of instilling my practice with
anymore intensity; still, it is fruitless.
This
is where I do not understand the difference between myself and my spiritual
friends on Jeff Brooks' forum. They do not seem to encounter this dryness or
aridity as I do. They enjoy ecstasies, OOBEs, nondual states of consciousness,
etc... seemly with no doubts or struggles. Is not what John of the Cross discusses
the "universal path" of the mystic?
...If
what John of the Cross writes is accurate, patience and the maintenance of my
current practice is all that can be done. And, the Inner Director's advice
"not to meditate" and that I am on the right path is actually
correct...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bodily Motionlessness Idea 8.14
Back
in May? when I was feeling vibrations continually, this practice brought
results. Throughout the day simply try to keep the limbs / body parts
relatively still for decent intervals of time. See if we can get the vibrations
to return - and then try to deepen them?
8.14
*Trying
to practice this - but it's difficult as motion is necessary for so many
activities. While working on the computer I am trying to keep the legs still,
and also to still the left arm and hand when possible...
*I
am feeling some vibrations. It may never deepen to anything however...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Scale Idea 8.16
Perhaps
meditation is cumulative but my issue
is a problem of scale. Perhaps I should try to have 4-6+ hours a day
cumulative, then note the results.
A
large scale does turn this into a new job, however. This is not the
"Middle Way" anymore - the path of moderation or balance. But,
perhaps this is the necessary transition to results...
It
does seem that my 24/7 practices are fruitless. So, I cannot think of what else
to investigate now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Reflection on Scale Idea 8.16
The
idea for this is not to expect anything to
happen when meditating - for it to be a very mundane experience - but to expect
the results to happen after. So, like
a new job, I put time in each day (4-6 hrs), then slowly expect some changes to
start happening. If I experience some, then there is encouragement to practice
more, and so on...
My
issue for many years now is that my sits are fruitless. So, if scale is the
problem then it does offer an answer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.16 Day 1
*35
mins
*9
mins - Feeling I have exhausted every other practice I turn to the long sit...
although in the midst of it the sense it is fruitless leads to discouragement
and stopping. :/
*10
mins - Took a break, read some posts on the meditation reddit and Jeff Brooks'
board, and wrote the "scale idea" above.
*14
mins - Thoughts of what else I could be doing arise; I reflect on these and
think to myself, "I am satiated; I already did X today, and I already did
Y; there is nothing to do but practice this for the given time today."
*9
mins - Cooling the expectation for something to happen - indeed expecting nothing to happen - makes the practice
more calming. Not stressing over long sits, but focusing on the cumulative
amount, helps with dryness, boredom, and bodily pain.
*2
mins - Body getting stiff.
*12
mins - Peaceful. This "cumulative but for more hours" idea makes it
seem like enlightenment is possible, rather than the wall we've been faced with
now for years. Stopped this sit when the mind began wandering and it started
getting dry.
*7
mins - When I get anxious I ask myself "what else would you be doing right
now?" then answer "watching useless videos on YouTube, reading (and
not really learning much from doing so), going on a computer program, watching
television reruns..." There is a boon to this massive lifestyle
self-simplification.
*3
mins - Pretty bored now. Need a break.
(Break)
*11
mins - Mind wandering (looking for something to do...).
*3
mins - Feeling peaceful and very
bored at the same time.
*2
mins
*11
mins - Bordering sleep; stirring myself.
*5
mins - Shifting over.
*4
mins - Need to stop now. Feeling discouraged.
(Break)
*4
mins - Mild vibrations.
*5
mins - Anger starting to enter in now. :/ Anger / frustration over another day
thrown away doing this. Listen to the language - "thrown away" - as
it has been hundreds of hours of wasted time on meditation with no results.
*1
min - The motivation is draining out of me for the "scale" idea as
the fruitless, dry reality of the practice sinks in! Definitely need at least
an extended break now. Maybe will try to hit 4 hrs cumulative by the evening.
(Break)
*7
mins - With ambient music.
*13
mins - At this point, a fruitless day. Basically a waste of my time, all the
day's practices. Feeling rage, anger, frustration, resentment. A
"resentful saint"... Need to calm down and let go: return to the 24/7
self-enquiry practice... Return to peace...
(Break)
*17
mins
*9
mins - Mild vibrations
*4
mins - Need some results - anything - by the end of today to show this practice
is productive...
*6
mins - Started thinking about The King
Will Ride Out and the next project (Emily)...
need to do my graduate project on The
Sopranos this fall before starting Emily
however...
*6
mins - It would be nice to do these as full-hour sessions, instead of have all
these micro sits... in defense of the micro sits however, mysticism is about
"feeling states" and submission to what arises naturally... the micro
sits feel natural and when they become dry I don't see the reason to persist in
them... although I confess I don't see the justification for meditation at all, presently, given its fruitlessness...
*20
mins - Head dropped as I nearly fell asleep. The drop woke me and I stopped.
*5
mins - Despite the piecemeal method, this is quite a lot of meditation.
Certainly a rigorous amount for a layperson... even if I am very critical of
myself, since I compare my practice to yogis.
*4
mins
*2
mins - Four hours now. No effects... :/ Some very mild vibrations (the kind when you can still attribute them to
imagination), that's about it.
(Break)
*5
mins - Somewhat peaceful. Mundane, though.
*8
mins
(Break)
*9
mins - Feeling OK. Peaceful.
*9
mins - Peaceful. Nothing special, though.
*8
mins
*8
mins - Head shifted.
*3
mins - Annoyed, irritated.
= 4
hrs 50 mins - Quite a large cumulative amount... for no results. The option
going forward is to prolong - to force
myself to sit for hour-long intervals as opposed to small sits. If I do
this, I will be forcing myself through the dryness and aridity... embracing the
negative emotional states which seems antipathetic to being a mystic. At the
same time, based on today's evidence the piecemeal sits were a waste of time.
*47
mins - An additional evening sit. Again, an ordinary state of consciousness
with no changes. The lack of change gives credence to the idea piecemeal sits
should be fine. I am feeling some mild vibrations throughout the body, but
nothing out of the norm.
= 5 hrs 37 mins cumulative
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.17 Day 2
*At
around 1 AM today I felt some self-arising bliss. Gone now, though.
*15
mins - Got very dry / arid.
*3
mins - Dry
*5
mins
*5
mins - Planning stuff for work.
*13
mins - Dryness; mind is wandering as well - boredom. If only I felt bliss from
these, I would do long sits!
*4
mins - I don't know how my spiritual friends do all this meditation. Something
must happen for them; there is no way they sit in this arid dryness like I do.
*Traditionally
in this situation I would resolve "it is fruitless" - it is a
reasonable conclusion to come to based on the evidence - but we must push on.
*4
mins - Mind wandering
*6
mins
*3
mins - Mind wandering; stopped
*2
mins - Mind is wandering; wants something to do
*15
mins - Mind is wandering
*11
mins - Dry / arid
*2
mins - John of the Cross writes in the Dark
Night that when experiencing aridity, one should not force oneself to
meditate... so I basically followed that for years, thinking the dryness would
be overcome - but that has not happened on its own...
*4
mins - Mind wandering. Need a break now; getting angry.
(Break)
*8
mins - Mind wandering
*13
mins
(Break)
*20
mins - Close to falling asleep; stopping.
*How
much time is required to meditate each day? There are no results at present.
The Carmelites (Teresa of Avila and John of the Cross) meditate 2 hours a day.
Is that what is needed? When will something happen?
*6
mins - Getting discouraged. Losing the motivation to reach 4-6 hours. Perhaps
we should just maintain as much as we are able to as a daily practice for a
month, and see if any transformation comes.
*2
mins
*I'm
still incredulous closing the eyes and being motionless has some kind of
special significance... ("formal" meditation). The specificity of
this is mentioned in no mystic books I am familiar with. The idea the 24/7
practice is fruitless is hard to believe.
*Drinking
a beer and watching a video (actually relaxing / resting ;p). Feeling some
energy in the chest. Not sure...
*35
mins - Letting the mind do its own thing now, rather than concentrate it /
force it to be silent. This is helping with the dryness / aridity. Still no
phenomena to report, though. We should try this again tomorrow, and focus on one
long sit...
= 2 hrs 58 mins cumulative
*Yes,
let us try this tomorrow. Perhaps it will help with the extreme aridity /
boredom we feel to stop suppressing the mind like we have been doing. (We've
been silencing the mind for 10 years and it's never resulted in any fruit.) Keep
it "still," but if it ventures forth or starts to wander or engage
with ideas let it do so... Let's focus tomorrow on the physical act of putting
in a long sit...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.18 Day 3
*5
mins - Started with the intent to sit for an hour; experiencing the same
dryness as before. Feeling very discouraged / depressed. It has been like this
for 10 years... what is the path forward?
*4
mins - Probably should be using music. Nothing's happening, and it would at
least help with the dryness.
*46
mins - No change from ordinary consciousness. Silent sit. Given the evidence,
I'm thinking again about listening to an album for one hour, then sitting in
silence for the time after it stops.
(Break)
*16
mins - Haven't been feeling vibrations the past few days. Not like I was a few
months ago. Perhaps the issue is meditating over long intervals (several weeks,
etc) rather than large investments in single days?
*Rereading
some posts of Jeff Brooks. I don't know, it seems the only thing I can think of
is to have very long sits... That I should discard the "cumulative"
idea, discard the micro sits, and be ready to accept nothing special happening
for an hour +... eventually there comes a feeling that you've lost a sense of
the body being there, and... that's the goal...
*Teresa
of Avila discusses none of this... But she does mention the idea of the
"breath stopping" (like Jeff Brooks, above). She associates this with
the state of "union" (mansion 5, where I have failed to reach for 10
years).
*41
mins - Did the sit with the goal of not stopping till I hit the "breath
stopping" experience. To reach that point and then abide there. Got really
stressful at around ~40 mins however. Stopped...
*23
mins - Same; wanted to see if I can discover the "breath stopping"
state. The session became very stressful - stopped.
*12
mins - No change.
*Should
we war with the stress and try to prolong? But this goes against what our
spiritual friends say, that they savor and enjoy these long sits...? So why
don't we...?
*In
one sense, I really am meditating continually. However, the motionlessness of
formal meditation does get stressful (I just like to be able to move once in a
while...). That said, the "24/7" practice isn't leading to progress.
*13
mins - Close to sleep...
*Reading
this line from The Ladder of John
Climacus: "[He] always has God dwelling within him as his Pilot in all his
words, deeds and thoughts. Therefore, through illumination he apprehends the
Lord's will as a sort of inner voice. He is superior to human instruction and
says: 'When shall I come and appear before the face of God?'" This is the
state I feel I am in. I wrote before that I feel as though I am at the door to
the final chamber, knocking... but not being let in! I also relate to the line
about being "beyond instruction" now. It has been like this for many
years.
*42
mins - No results again.
*I
was content for years with the idea "it seems like I'm not making progress
but I am, because it's the dark night of the soul" but I am not satisfied
with this anymore. It no longer feels like I am making progress; that I am just
at a standstill. Not sure what the issue is.
*28
mins - Hit that layer of stressfulness and stopped. Fought with it for a while,
but it was extremely unpleasant to continue. As usual, no results to report.
= 3 hrs 50 mins
*Perhaps
if I continue with this practice for 1-3 weeks I will start to experience
phenomena? Perhaps it is a "marathon" - a product of consistent
practice over days - than a sprint? Perhaps the single days sits are fruitless
if not done in the context of many weeks of sitting?
*Early
PM note: feeling some vibrations in the body. Mild, though.
*Late
PM note: feeling subtle peaceful energies.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.19 Day 4
*Influenced
by the Carmelite rule (the rule set up by Teresa of Avila and John of the
Cross), I want to set a 2 hr daily minimum. Even though I am experiencing no
results, let's proceed with the idea that over long stretches of time (weeks,
etc) meditation may be transformative. We will try to prolong - but if we run
into aridity we won't force ourselves. Hopefully the cumulative number will be
what matters - and if we finally reach a stage where meditation isn't dry or
unpleasant, we can sit for long sessions and try to get to the "breath
stopping" stage.
*13
mins - stopped at dryness
*13
mins - mind wandering
*9
mins - Mind wandering
*3
mins
*8
mins
*3
mins - Distracted - thinking about queries / work. Excited, stressed.
*2
mins - Micro sit. Excited, agitated... Need a break to let the excitability
calm down.
(Break)
*7
mins - Mind wandering; still agitated
*6
mins - Mind wandering
*5
mins - Mind wandering; agitated
*8
mins - agitated, distracted
*Agitated
/ excited today, it seems. Hard to sit. Despite that, want to hit at least a 2
hour minimum each day now. Still lacking a lot of motivation unfortunately; as
of now the sits remain completely fruitless.
*18
mins
*3
mins
*3
mins - This has been a rough day. Distracted, with obviously fruitless
meditations, trying to hit 2 hrs - not enjoyable.
*9
mins - Pushing myself. Definitely not an enjoyable day.
*3
mins - Mind wandering
*9
mins - Mind wandering; a very difficult day
(Break)
*8
mins - No results - same state of consciousness as ever. Don't really want to
do a long sit. Not pleasant to sit there in aridity for so long for no reward!
*14
mins - No phenomena to report still. A few tingles in the feet (still at that
level where it could be imagination).
*2
mins - Thought I felt some vibrations for a minute there - "Could it be??
Something to surrender to??" - but the moment I started to meditate it
went back to nothing again.
*Feeling
some energy in the body. Very subtle, still borderline imagination.
= 2 hrs 26 mins cumulative
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.20 Day 5
*Felt
some energy early in the morning
*52
mins - Long sit; close to an hour. No change in consciousness - identical inner
state to short sits.
*10
mins - No change in consciousness to report.
*5
mins - Feel a vague peacefulness / sweetness. Might be nothing, though.
*1
min
*Feeling
some vague peacefulness. Nothing to write home about, though.
*3
mins
*Feeling
a peacefulness. At the same time, it still isn't a state that serves as an
"incentive" to sit.
*5
mins
*2
mins
*1
min
*4
mins - Mind wandering
*3
mins - Relatively peaceful, but still having a lot of trouble prolonging. Going
to be tough to reach 2 hrs.
(Break)
*6
mins - Feeling a little "different." OK with attributing it to
imagination, however. As of now, still no incentives to meditate.
*3
mins
*2
mins
*3
mins - Having a lot of trouble reaching 2 hours.
*3
mins - mind wandering; getting stressed; honestly forcing myself to sit
*If
I do this for long enough, it must lead to something, right? Why else would
Jeff be so fixated on meditation...? It seems absurd how fruitless it is,
though.
*2
mins
*3
mins - brutal. Not blissful at all.
*5
mins - new set and setting. Felt a little energy (?) in the back. Very minor
though.
*If
we experience even a single verifiable fruit of the spirit, I will increase our
sitting durations dramatically... in the interim though, we will stick with the
2 hour minimum cumulative for at least 30 days and see what happens.
*2
mins - Forcing myself to reach 2 hrs. I don't value meditation at all.
Fruitless.
*2
mins - Dealing with anger, frustration
*This
is like doing "homework" for the holy. A dry waste of time; busywork.
How on earth do my spiritual friends enjoy meditation?? Something happens for
them that does not happen for me!
*3
mins
*4
mins
(Break)
*So
I am working on these two ideas right now. (1) The first idea is that the 2
hour cumulative meditation will bring transformation. So far, we have not seen
any progress on this. (2) The second idea is that the "prayer of
union" (for more info on this, see the Inner
Castle) is a state produced by a long
sit. Meaning 1+ hours. The evidence I have for this is Teresa's line on the
breath stopping when she discusses mansion 5 ("I know not whether the body
retains sufficient life to continue breathing; on consideration, I believe it
does not; at any rate, if it still breathes, it does so unconsciously"). I
have no frame of reference for this experience either. As of now, I do not know
which theory is correct for progress.
*22
mins - Feeling some energy in the body (kundalini? viriya?). It did not turn
into anything or do anything, though. It disappeared.
*...OK!
Well, it just rose and then disappeared again. But this seems to be something.
It is a sort of energy in the body. Interesting.
*3
mins - Seeing if anything is happening... nope.
*PM
note: the energy / vibrations return again. Fascinating.
*PM
note: energy again. Interesting. Keep up the practice.
= 2 hrs 29 mins cumulative
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.21 Day 6
*8
mins
*17
mins - No phenomena except some very vague tingles in the legs which came and
went. Mind wandering on me.
*Given
the results from yesterday, the temptation to sit for >2 hrs is affecting
me. At the same time, sitting remains mostly a blank dryness so I'm being
realistic and thinking there won't be a great enough incentive to waste the
whole day on it again (again with the "waste the day" language).
Debating using music again, also. Given how the energy arose it seems the
physical act of being still may be more important than the inner quiet. Not
sure.
*12
mins - Thinking about prolonging but really want some phenomena to be present
for me. Mind gets very bored over long intervals.
*1
min
*18
mins - Mind wandering. Falling back into the question, "why should I do a
long sit if the mind wanders when I do so?" I believe the need for
meditative "crispness" (the mind staying extremely focused
throughout) is not that important. Still, many of my meditations are
"crisp" and the short sits do lend themselves to crispness.
*Ironically,
it is much, much easier to maintain "crispness" while doing 24/7
practices. My usual state is generally quite "focused" or
"silent." The "crispness" goes away during formal sits as
the desire for something, anything for
the mind to observe or engage with grows.
*9
mins - Mind wandering
*14
mins
*4
mins - Thinking about something for work...
*1
min - Still mostly forcing myself to sit, now. There is still no real
"incentive." We felt some strange vibrations, OK, but the moment by
moment experience of sitting remains blank.
*6
mins - Trying to prolong... dry, though.
*3
mins - I really hope I find a place where the aridity leaves me... I would
really like to be able to enjoy meditation, instead of have this relationship
with it.
*3
mins - dry; feeling some very subtle / vague tingles; they come and go
*2
mins - arid
*2
mins - Really struggling again today to hit that 2 hour minimum
*3
mins - Miserable. Dry; mind wandering. I still have no idea how my spiritual
friends enjoy this. There must be
some induced state they experience.
*3
mins
*3
mins - Changed set and setting to a quieter, cooler (less humid) room. Still
struggling, though.
*2
mins
*2
mins - dry
*4
mins - Might be imagining it but feel some energy in the back / spine / in the
chest (kundalini?). It comes and goes, though, and doesn't do anything.
*3
mins - Getting to that 2 hr minimum today was brutal. Should take a break and
then in the evening perhaps try a voluntary sit when rested and ready. See what
happens. Some of the energy ripples are interesting and may be worth investing
more time into for.
*PM
note: feeling some vibrations / energy in the body right now. Nothing crazy,
but it's there.
*10
mins - some vibrations here and there; subtle; come and go
*Might
try 1 hr music / 1 hr silent sit tomorrow
*7
mins
= 2 hrs 17 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.22 Day 7
*2
mins - Well here we are on day 7, and it is just as dry and mundane as the
start. Yes, there is the new energy phenomenon from time to time, but the
experience when sitting remains awful.
*Going
to try 1 hr music / 1 hr silent sit, I think...
*20
mins with music - lost interest in carrying on
*There
is a strong desire to move; and a desire for the relaxation that comes from
moving and doing the 24/7 practices / walking meditation. Yet those have been
my practices for years to no results.
*7
mins - I don't have the patience for the long sits after all the years of
fruitless nonsense. Planned to sit for an hour 10 min; stopped after 7.
*Feeling
a little energy in the chest.
*2
mins - Mind wandering
*Don't
think I should meditate right now. Feeling too much rage / anger.
*8
mins - Mind wandering. Feeling stress over nonresults. Again conflicted over 1.
whether cumulative time daily is of value or 2. only long sits bring results.
If 2 is correct it is an issue, due to how arid and unpleasant sitting is.
*Really,
really don't want to sit right now. Such a dry, fruitless, miserable waste of
my time.
*Reading
more of the Inner Castle. Such anger
passing through me - asking "what can I possibly be doing more at this
point?" I thought for years this was just a necessary stage that naturally
transitions to the latter stages of development; yet my spiritual friends on
Jeff Brooks' forum went through none of this. They skipped right along to the
higher fruits of the spirit!
*Not
going to try to sit right now while feeling all this rage. And very legitimate
and righteous rage, that is. I feel like Job when he rails against God in the
Old Testament. "Only my servant Job has spoken rightly of me," says
God - after all Job's deluded friends condemn him.
*"First,
a soul in aridity will find no comfort in prayer – but also no comfort in the
things of the world. Second, the soul is pained by the thought that it
may not be serving God and is anxious to do His will. In other words, a
soul in aridity is not indifferent. Finally, such a soul can no
longer meditate as it used to, no matter how it tries." This paraphrase of
the Dark Night is summarizing my
experience of aridity.
*"St.
John of the Cross now invites the soul into a more intense practice of the
theological virtues – faith, hope, and love, which begin to expand the soul in
this time of the dawn of contemplative prayer. These, he reveals, are the
primary marks of a contemplative soul – not such experiences as rapture or
ecstasy." Another paraphrase of John of the Cross. What this author says
is correct about John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila; contrary to what Jeff
says, they emphasize the mystic path as a life process and emphasize the
personal qualities gained as opposed to the fruits of the spirit. Jeff is my
current teacher however; and he effectively presents the fruit as the only
things of value or worth.
*18
mins - Close to falling asleep. Again intended to sit for an hour. Got very dry
again, though. I notice for most of my longer sits over the past week there is
usually a big motivator or "incentive" that keeps me going. So on one
day I said "I will sit till the breath stops." I then lose motivation
when there is no result. Hmm! Seems like this has been happening for a decade
hasn't it??
*1
min - The discouragement is really great right now (that is, to abandon the
meditation experiment again). I've already gone over the usual point at which I
would get discouraged and stop. Is there any indication this practice is
fruitful? None.
= 58
mins
*So
after 7 days of a minimum of two hours cumulative daily let's examine the
results. 1. No change in aridity (no bliss or joy from sits). 2. Some energy
emerging from time to time but not leading to anything. 3. No OOBEs or other
phenomena. 4. Zero indication anything has changed or altered... just that we
wasted a lot of time.
*Based
on the above, what should we do from here? 1. We could return to the 24/7
practices, again in expectation it will lead to change. 2. We try to overcome
our discouragement and continue with daily meditation. 3. We take a break to
work through our discouragement and try to do 1-2 long sits (over an hour) and
try to have at least an OOBE.
*There
is no cooling in our fervor or enthusiasm for the holy quest... but there is no
progress. It is God's will. It is what it is.
*After
pondering it, and contemplating all the evidence of the past years, we should
try to have long sits... Listen to music for the first hour or so, then see if
it eventually leads to bodily paralysis, etc...
*59
mins - relatively long sit. No effects to report. Listened to relaxing music
(Aphex Twin) the first ~24 mins; after this it went to silence. I have a
special timer on my phone that dings (doesn't go to an alarm though) every 1 hr
(just to help me keep track of time). Also, I made no pretense about stilling
the mind. Granted, my mind is far stiller than the average person's... but I
didn't focus on suspending all mental content. When I got bored, I let the mind
wander and do its thing. We should expand on this... Increase the music to
perhaps ~1 hr, then try to sit the next hour... if we get the rollover signal,
go to war with it, otherwise sit and relax... see what happens... we've
investigated literally every other possibility for progress.
=
1 hr 57 mins
*Feeling
energy in the body again.
*10
PM - I'm vibrating
*28
min - with music; some vibrations; not doing anything though
*10
min - with music; getting dry, boring
= 2 hrs 45 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.23 Day 8
*While
the vibrations feeling is encouraging - it is a sign of some progress - it is
AM now and there are no current effects. As of now the evidence is saying: 1.
stilling the mind brings no results (10 years of practicing this one), 2.
cumulative time (based on evidence as of now) is not bringing transformation.
Which leads to: 3. the long sit (over 1 hr) in the school of the OOB writers
being the path forward...
*38
mins - With music. Stopped as I had to use the toilet. The music got a little
tedious to be honest; I stopped listening to it. They are all songs I have
heard hundreds of times before. The mind was wandering (bored). I did this sit
with the goal of hitting 2 hours (1 hr with music, 1 silent). I might try
something new: set my timer to ding every 30 mins and do a silent sit where I
try to reach 90 minutes. (Again, I still don't know how my spiritual friends do
these long sits... there is no way they experience the aridity I do.)
*13
mins - With music. Intended this to be a 90 min sit. Mind was let to wander /
do its thing. The discouragement is extremely high now, unfortunately, which is
making long sits extremely difficult. I am expecting nothing to happen as has
been the case for 10+ years. Alternatively we can try to add up to 2 hrs + a
day in hopes the transformative effects are just the result of doing so over
many weeks of time...
*A
quote from St. Teresa: "Those who do not receive these consolations may
feel a despondency that is uncalled for, since perfection does not consist in
consolation but in greater love; our reward will be in proportion to this, and
to the justice and sincerity of our actions." This is completely the
opposite of what Jeff says. Indeed, Jeff's emphasis on contemplative attainment
has made me feel absolutely terrible and alienated. I would have always
imagined what St. Teresa says would be the correct attitude, but who knows.
*Yes,
let us just try to add up to 2 hrs daily. Perhaps over many weeks it will bring
transformation. It is all we can do. If the aridity leaves us, we can prolong.
*Feeling
energy in the body. It does not necessarily appear when meditating, but I feel
it now and then when not doing so. So, something is happening. Just be persistent
with cumulative practice, I guess?
*16
mins - Stopped. Perhaps I've just been screwing myself for years by not sitting
long enough. It's so unpleasant, though. At the same time, looking at
Rougeleader's post from the very beginning of this month... how can cumulative
time not be the more meaningful factor there? What he recounts seems to be a
24/7 effect of his cumulative meditation time. Not sure...
*Feeling
a little subtle energy in the chest.
*5
mins - Well, let's think. If 1 week of the 2 hr minimum brought this little
energy experience from time to time, if we just carry on with simply that practice intact, what will happen?
Minimum, proceed with the 2 hr daily cumulative and see what happens (even if
individual sits remain dry).
*4
mins - Feeling some vibrations. Very dry sit, though.
*The
vibratory experience does not correlate with meditation. It just happens
randomly throughout the day. The meditations remain the same (dry, etc).
*8
mins - with music
*2
mins - with music (Boards of Canada's "Echus"); mind wandering
*8
mins - with music (Anais Mitchell's Hadestown)
*2
mins - Feeling the heartbeat / pulse (?) throughout the body. A little weird. Sitting
remains pretty dry.
*2
mins - Mind wandering
*5
mins
*1
min - Mind wandering. Still not enjoying these sits.
*2
mins
*Feeling
anxiety over lack of progress. It is what it is. When there is no energy
experience present (which is often - like now) there is effectively zero
evidence any progress / results have happened at all. Quite discouraging -
leads again to questioning over whether this practice is worth doing.
*3
mins - Another brutal afternoon trying to reach that damn 2 hour mark. Christ.
Not enjoyable, or blissful.
*4
mins - Listening to White Town's "Your Woman."
*Fruitlessness
is making me think again the long sit is the real end... to sit for 1 hr + and
then hope sleep paralysis or some other effect happens...
*How
did Jeff experience all the fruits of the spirit after "one month" of
a wilderness retreat??? What was he doing? Feeling anger / resentment now.
*Feeling
vibrations in the chest...
*1
min - it seems like Rougeleader experiences energetic phenomena and lucidity
(during sleep) as a result of his cumulative time. Not sure. If cumulative time
can bring these results, it seems like the path forward. The lucidity could be
transferred to an OOBE, which would finally present a path toward that
experience.
*5
mins - It is tough to stay motivated for these when I don't know if cumulative
time even yields fruit of the spirit or not.
*1
min - 2 hrs.
= 2
hrs
*Rereading
Underhill's section on the "quiet." Experimenting again with the
state of deep silence / suppression of mental content.
*...Combining
it with walking meditation. Hmm... Not really any difference from our usual
24/7 state.
*90
mins - very long sit. Corpse pose, in silence. Not sure why I was able to
prolong it in this case compared to others. The room was cool, my body was in
the correct position, the bladder was empty. I used self-enquiry when the
stresses came up. "Who is stressed?" I asked. I was able to subdue
the worst of the stress / dryness. In terms of effects... nothing to report.
Some vague tingles (could be imagination). I used the meditation app on my
phone that dings every 30 minutes to keep track of time. I was hoping by the
60/90 minute point I might hit the "breath stopping" point or try to
get OOB. But, I was unable to do so. I did fall asleep briefly in the first 20
minutes, but woke up in the same position.
*Feel
a little funny. Could be imagination, but it feels a little like my sense of
"self" is different (?) and I'm feeling some tingles. I would lean
toward the side of "no effects" however.
= 3 hours 30 min cumulative
*feeling
some vibrations...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.24 Day 9
*36
mins - Corpse pose, in silence. Breached the 30 min mark but started getting
stressful. Was able to self-enquire "who is stressed?" to keep the
aridity at bay for a while but decided to stop at 36 mins. Incidentally I got a
phone call within a few seconds of stopping so I would have had to otherwise. I
had set the timer in hopes this could be a 2 hr sit but perhaps I should use 1
hr 30 as the max and plan on just getting at least 1 hr in minimum. No
phenomena to report.
*37
mins - Hmm, same, I guess. Same amount of time actually. Tried to prolong - but
got dry / stressful. Tried to ask "who is stressed?" but was unable
to subdue the aridity.
*7
mins - Guess we will go for cumulative time again today. Maybe try another long
sit at the end of the day, perhaps.
*10
mins - No effects; mind wandering, I suppose
*Feeling
somewhat still / peaceful
*14
mins - Mind wandering
*9
mins - Bored; mind wandering. Half debating increasing the cumulative time for
today over 2 hours - although not really seeing any effects.
*Feeling
peaceful / quiet. Hard to explain. Might be imagination, though.
*5
mins - Mind wandering. One of the impasses I have had about my practice these
past years is the following: 1. During 24/7 practice I can still the mind well
and comfortably. 2. During formal sitting, the mind gets bored and wanders. So
I preferred #1, thinking that was the path forward. If aridity subsides
(hopefully?) due to the emergence of energy, perhaps it is more about the
physical stillness that is the path forward, than inner quiet?
*2
mins - So I would say that I am still "bored" / lack an incentive to
meditate as of now (that is, being honest with myself I would still be
preferring to do my usual daily activities over sitting), however I am feeling
a peacefulness at present. I do not know if this is a real effect of practice
or if it is imagination.
*Finding
some vibrational stuff. Subtle though.
*7
mins - Feeling peaceful, but still somewhat arid to sit.
*3
mins - Relatively peaceful. No strong incentive to sit, though.
= 2 hrs 10 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.25 Day 10
*No
energetic or vibrational phenomena happening
*25
mins - There is a "peaceful quietness" element I am experiencing now
- I don't know if it's supernatural or an effect of meditating or what. It is a
modest "peaceful" feeling as opposed to the "aridity" we
felt before. At the same time, the "boredom" element is still
present.
*There
is still nothing really happening and meditation remains a blankness. There
remains no "incentive" to sit (it is still not preferable to doing our
day to day activities).
*9
mins - still feeling peaceful. Interesting.
*16
mins - still peaceful. But bored (hard to sustain time-wise) with the mind
wandering.
*7
mins - Mind wandering a lot. Guess it's very bored!
*3
mins - mind wandering; very distracted
*2
mins - Going to try music...
*2
mins - Started thinking about stuff. Art, projects to work on (Korosi's Notes, Emily, King Will Ride Out).
Got emotional, opened the eyes.
*Feeling
relatively peaceful / content. Still unsure if it is an effect of sitting or
not. No energetic phenomena to report so far today. Don't feel a strong
"incentive" to sit.
*3
mins - Peaceful. Mind wandering, though.
*1
min - for a moment there I want to say I felt "good." Not sure if
it's imagination, though. Still having trouble sustaining.
*3
mins - with music; mind wandering
*Still
feeling the peacefulness. Well, if this is a legitimate fruit of practice then
this is quite a discovery. Could it be that the "wall" of
fruitlessness when meditating (the 7+ days of nonresults) keeps so many from
experiencing effects? Are there more effects and beatitudes from continued
practice beyond this?
*Keep
in mind I am still open to this peacefulness being imagination-induced. We will
see if it persists. Regardless, the 2 hour daily minimum practice should be
maintained.
*6
mins - Struggling to do a long sit
*1
min - feeling very peaceful. Still
struggling to prolong, though! It is a unique phenomenon. These two elements
are present: both peacefulness and boredom.
*3
mins - Despite the peacefulness, struggling with prolonging today
*8
mins -Mind wandering. Is the practice still fruitful if the mind wanders?
*It
faded for a minute but... the sense of peacefulness returns. I'm still
struggling to reach 2 hours today, though.
*6
mins - Mind wandering
*1
min
*7
mins - Mind wandering
*2
mins
*3
mins
*4
mins
*2
mins
*6
mins
*I
am reflecting on Jeff's influence on me as a teacher over the years. In many
ways he was a unique and great teacher... in other ways he failed me. I
foundered for years without clear direction. Well, it is what it is. I am still
young, so I hope that by the end of my life I will have completed the
"holy quest" regardless.
*Debating
increasing time over 2 hrs / day minimum. Considering 3 or 4 hours. However,
another side of me doesn't want to do this while experiencing no effects.
*Jeff
always makes these claims that increasing the sitting duration brings grand
results... but I have yet to encounter even modest ones. So, there is still no
tangible "incentive" for me.
*43
mins - Decent length sit. Mind wandering somewhat. No phenomena to report,
unfortunately. Wanted to see if I could make it to an hour + but stopped.
= 2 hrs 43 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.26 Day 11
*29
mins - Same state as ordinary consciousness
*Tomorrow
we return to work (disappointing as this was another month with effectively no
"results"). It also means we will likely be falling asleep tomorrow
when we try to meditate in the afternoon (going to take a few days to adjust
the sleep schedule). Work can also interfere as any conflicts there can be
disruptive of meditation. (Fortunately my job is extremely low stress -
particularly after those dysfunctional jobs of my early 20s - so so far I only
have a few stressful periods per year.)
*No
vibrations apparent at present... in regard to yesterday's peacefulness...
maybe? it is still present. I cannot say for sure.
*Questions
on our lack of results. 1. Perhaps it is caused by a need for more days
(putting more days in with the 2 hour minimum). 2. Perhaps it is caused by
increasing cumulative time (>2 hours daily). 3. Perhaps it is caused by
increased sit length (>1 hr). 4. Perhaps it is none of these things and it
is based on a completely foreign variable ("grace"). I am not sure
what is the culprit or what is the path forward. I can only experiment for now.
*As
this is the last day before work, I am debating dedicating a significant part
of today to practice (4 hours?). Not sure though.
*19
mins - It's not "unpleasant" like it was a week ago, but I'm having
trouble prolonging still. The "boredom" element is still present and
nothing of note is happening.
*23
mins - With music for the first ~12 mins. I would really like to do at least
one "long sit" (1 hr+) per day, but I am struggling with prolonging.
I also am still not really "enjoying" what I am doing, unfortunately.
*The
mind wanders, as I mentioned, during the long sits. I assume this is not an
issue to see results?
*Jeff
/ Rougeleader mention lucidity emerges during sleep as a result of their
meditation practice. This would be an easy and intuitive path to the OOBE. I
have nothing to report on this note so far, however.
*Thinking
about listening to an album again for the next sit... Given the lack of effects
it would likely help with sustaining.
*10
mins - With music (Bonobo's Black Sands).
Gets a little tiresome (a great album) because I've listened to it hundreds of
times. Followed by a bit of walking meditation. As I mentioned, the mind
concentrates itself more easily with walking meditation than sitting (why I
practiced the former exclusively for years). The "aridity" element
seems diminished / reduced but it is still hard to prolong.
*Debating
a little bit lately on learning a musical instrument. Was thinking about the
violin. Given the daily practice time required, though, I am leaning towards
"spend that time meditating instead."
*6
mins - With "Tibetan meditation music"
*Maybe?
feeling peaceful, and maybe? feeling some energy. Hard to say. Could be effects
of practice.
*23
mins - Fell close to sleep. Had some hypnagogic? images (dream scenes). Very
low reality but they interrupted consciousness a couple times. Nothing to write
home about.
*3
mins - Listening to Bonobo
*7
mins - Feeling some relative peacefulness. Don't know if it's a result of
practice or not. Also feeling some very distant, vague vibrations.
*Debating
going over 2 hrs a day minimum but I feel I should be more concerned with just
maintaining the current practice for the time being. Especially since I have
found no "results" I am concerned about getting frustrated and
burning myself out (something which I have done in the past). If I find results
I should increase duration - or else wait and instill the current practice
before going forward (of course I can voluntarily go over 2 hrs on days I feel
like it but I don't want to obligate myself).
*Feeling
"different." Peaceful maybe.
*Afternoon
note: feeling peaceful?
*Early
evening note: been busy with other (non-meditative) activities. Feeling a wave
of peacefulness right now (while drinking a beer).
*52
mins - no effects
*PM
note - feel some energy
*5
mins - normal; peaceful
= 2 hrs 57 mins
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.27 Day 12
*Returned
to work today
*13
min - AM sit. ordinary consciousness. intended to sit for 30 minutes but had
trouble prolonging.
*1
min - second brief attempt. getting cynical over our nonresults.
*PM
note - back from work. Some anxiety from the work day, but not too much. don't
terribly want to sit at present!
*32
mins - Got close to falling asleep. Intended this to be a 2 hr sit. Don't know
if that long a duration is possible. 1 hr should be our long sit goal, perhaps.
*feeling
OK. peaceful? Is it a product of meditation...?
*11
mins - Mind wandering a lot. Walking meditation doesn't have this same issue.
Jeff always advised formal sitting, though, so perhaps the sitting facilitates
some sort of transformation of energy (and that is the path forward). No idea.
*13
mins - mind wandering; feeling kind of bored; hard to prolong; no effects
*7
mins - Mind wandering; planning out stuff for work
*6
mins - mind wandering
*1
min - with relaxing music; stopped; thinking about taking a break then trying a
1 hr sit later this evening
*19
mins - not necessarily dry, but having trouble prolonging. some vibrations and
(?) peacefulness. no other effects
*10
mins - mind wandering. no effects. feel a bit like a jackass - sitting and
waiting for transformation. how do the mystics of history induce their
ecstasies?
*7
min - mind wandering. some mild vibrations.
*Feel
some vibrations. subtle though. Well, the 2 hour daily practice does lead to
this. Jeff says to see these vibrations as signs of holiness. this is an
encouraging view to take, I suppose, but they are not much to write home about.
*later
PM - feel vibrations, again. not that exciting, though.
= 2 hrs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8.28 Day 13
*some
narrative mind (planning, rehearsing, preparing...) is resurging with the
return to work. trying to stop it, subdue it, kill it, and return to quiet.
*return
from work - haven't done any sitting yet. at present - no effects at all. 13 days
of 2 hours cumulative and really nothing to note. perhaps we should focus on
long sits (the mind wandering during them be damned?). perhaps try to have 90
min / 2 hr sits? what is the path forward?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mike Raduga Experiment
I
tried many times with the indirect method of Raduga over the past months,
though I was never able to have an OOBE. At the same time I feel this is more a
result of my failure to follow his steps. I really was only able to follow his
steps twice - and each of those times I actually did not do the recommended
number of cycles of exit techniques.
My
new plan of action:
1.
On waking, mentally state "I am awake" - seems critical
1.5
Check to make sure there is no alarm
2.
Keep the body still and eyes closed
3.
Try to exit (sit up, levitate, roll out)
4.
Cycle exit techniques (phantom wiggling, rubbing imagined hands, rotate,
imagine myself swimming, Frank Kepple style "noticing" technique)
*If
I succeed at exiting, get as far from the body as possible and attempt
"deepening" techniques; then do the recommended look in a mirror /
eat something
I have
not been remembering dreams lately, and I seem to have broken the habit of
mentally rehearsing my dreams upon waking (this was a concern I had earlier).
So, I will continue with this plan and make a note if anything develops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indirect Method
8.10
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; but was late and had already moved
8.11
Same; late and already moved
8.12
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; had not moved; tried to "exit"
but wasn't exiting... did not cycle techniques
8.13
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; was late and had already moved... perhaps I
should cycle techniques anyway as a habit?
8.14
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; was late and had moved; cycled exit
techniques anyway... no results (*note - cycle through 12 attempts each time;
do it dutifully, don't just try a few and stop)
8.15
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; was late and moved; tried a few techniques;
no results
8.16
Woke to the alarm; lots of movement; eyes were open; should have done 12
techniques anyway just to practice
8.17
Woke to the body in motion; awareness was late; still acknowledged "I'm
awake" and practiced ~3-4 techniques
8.18
Awareness came too late
8.19
Acknowledged "I'm awake" very late (had a sort of slow, rolling,
quasi-conscious transition to waking...)
8.22
Acknowledged "I'm awake"; awareness seemed to come late and the body
was moving; no results...
Meditation into Sleep
8.11
Brief attempt; became uncomfortable; rolled over
8.12
Decent attempt - but got bored and rolled over
8.13
While meditating made a brief attempt at visualizing walking around the kitchen
(a la Buhlman) - felt a brief change in the body; no results however; stopped
after ~45 mins
8.14
Bordered on sleep, but I often struggle to fall to sleep when on the back so I
didn't; I rolled over after ~15 mins; I need to go to bed earlier and try to
make a longer attempt... focus all the day's anxieties over sitting into one
long presleep attempt...
8.15
No attempt made - low interest and mind was too tired (body should be tired,
mind alert, and motivation intact)
8.17
Rolled over after 22 mins
8.18
17 mins; stopped at the dryness
Dreams
8.12
Didn't write the dreams today; I've forgotten them now; on waking I probably
recalled ~3
8.13
I've forgotten them; I know I had at least ~2 dreams however
8.14
~2 recalled; just trying to recall them on getting up now (no more mental
rehearsing to try to remember more)
8.15
~2 recalled
8.16
1 recalled
8.17
~1 recalled
8.18
0; forgot a couple
8.19
0; remembered a couple at one point, but forgot by the time we got out of bed
8.20
1 dream
8.22
Possibly recalling the topic of 1.
*It
has been an extended time now (over a month) of very poor dream recall. Based
on this, it does not seem my dream recall is a skill that I've passively been
able to improve - but that it is rather based on circumstances. 1. Sleep
interruption. Using an alarm in the night and then writing any remembered
scenes helps improve recall. 2. Rehearsing the dreams as one transitions to waking.
This is a mental habit I broke (in hopes it would improve the indirect method)
but it seems it did help at recall. With these 2 practices broken (there is
also some randomness to it as well), my recall has declined. At the same time,
the content of many of my dream experiences was mostly unmeaningful and
nonsensical, and the practice did not seem to bring any spiritual results. We
will persist however, and write whatever scenes we recall.
8.25
2 recalled
8.26
3 recalled - the return of the alarm clock (interrupting REM) indeed seems to
bring increased recall
8.27
15 distinct dream "scenes" recalled - sleep interruption (return to
work) led to increased recall. We also had a full bladder which kept waking us
up today, which may have increased recall. At the moment, still no lucidity to
report - disappointing.
8.28
0; remembered 2 initially then forgot them after snoozing
