7/1
10 recalled; again considering each "dream" as a distinct scene
7/2
1 dream recalled
7/3
9 dreams recalled
7/4
24 dreams recalled: perhaps the most to date. The dream recall combined very
well (it seems) with the deferred awakening practice today. I had two
awakenings, though, in which I went to write the dreams down. I did not try to
exit these times - is this a mistake?
7/5
0 dreams recalled; I had one I remembered at one of the sleep interruptions but
did not write it down; what a difference from yesterday; I don't understand -
so am I dreaming less on nights like this, am I not entering REM, are my dreams
"lower" (closer to imagination), or am I just forgetting them?
7/6
1 dream recalled
7/7
9 recalled
7/8
15 recalled - excellent, excellent dream recall lately. Don't know if it can be
maintained but it is a major change from before I started these logs.
7/9
2 recalled
7/10
20 recalled - excellent dream recall recently. I noticed I had a
"pre-lucid" moment in one of these dreams (thoughts influenced the
environment).
7/11
2 recalled; had some major ones I think - forgot them
7/12
7 recalled
7/13
0 recalled; remembered several but snoozed rather than write them down
7/14
7 recalled; not sure if I can maintain it but the overall recall has been
extraordinary; this evening I did question the logic of one element in a dream
but it did not produce lucidity
7/15
8 recalled - large recall again; I dreamed even more than this amount though.
So far, no transfers to lucidity though.
7/16
2 recalled; could have recalled a similar number to yesterday but decided to
"snooze" instead; no progress to lucidity
7/17
1 recalled
7/18
0 recalled
7/19
0 recalled; remembered several at the alarm but snoozed rather than write them
7/20
0 recalled; remembered several throughout the night but snoozed... getting a
lot more stress / fatigue at the night awakenings... recalled that I did dream
by the AM but lost memory of the specifics
7/21
0 recalled; have partial memories of some... need to adjust my sleeping pattern
I think
7/22
7 recalled
7/23
8 recalled
7/24
4 recalled; can only remember them vaguely now but wrote them down
7/25
4 recalled; still no lucidity
7/26
0 recalled
7/27
1 recalled; there were 3 others but I forgot them by morning
7/28
4 recalled
7/29
0 recalled; remembered a few at the alarm but didn't feel it was worth waking
fully to write them down
7/30
0 recalled; remembered some but did not write them
Indirect Method
7/1
0 deferred awakenings; no separation attempts... room was too cold. This has
been an issue which arose before. It was necessary to use the AC to get to
sleep but in the AM the room gets too cold. The temperature creates the
impression I am too "there" in the physical to separate.
7/2
1 deferred awakening; attempted to exit with no results; failed to be
disciplined and follow through with cycles of exit attempts afterward
7/3
3 deferred awakenings; first two I moved and opened the eyes; only one did I
partially cycle some attempts; recalled a lot of dreams but need to train
myself to always do Raduga's indirect method completely
7/4
1 deferred awakening, 1 solid exit attempt and 2 cycles of exit techniques - no
results but very good here, need to make sure we do this every awakening with
discipline. This was the second real time I followed all the steps properly
since I began.
7/5
2-3 awakenings, 0 exit attempts; major disappointment compared to the apparent
discipline of yesterday. These awakenings felt different - I felt like the body
was moving, that perhaps I wasn't awakening from REM, and that awareness came
very "late." Is there anything to these notes? That is how I felt at
the time of these awakenings and that was the "excuse" not to exit. I
feel I should train myself to ignore those impressions, and make the exit
attempts regardless!
7/6
1? deferred awakening, 0 exit attempts - similar disappointment to yesterday.
On these days it seems consciousness is coming "late." Or, perhaps I
am not having the deferred awakenings. The goal should remain to train myself
to exit and cycle every non-alarm awakening.
7/7
1? deferred awakening, 0 exit attempts - frustration again.
7/2
2? deferred awakenings; each time the body was moving as awareness came. No
exit attempts - disappointing.
*Raduga
writes: "Meanwhile, focus your attention on how you're going to try to
wake up without moving your physical body. This
isn't mandatory, but it will substantially increase the effectiveness of
the indirect techniques." I should absolutely try even if I moved or if I
feel awareness came late. Need to develop that discipline.
*Another
important point. Raduga claims: "Success Rate: For 1-5 attempts (1-3 days)
- 50%." Here I have really only followed his instructions (sad to say)
over the past 3 months correctly twice. So,
the goal should be to become disciplined in following them, and doing them
every time and properly.
*It
seems Bob Monroe stumbled across the indirect method once (he makes one brief
reference to how he did it on waking and it came so easily) but never developed
it as he was very successful with the direct method.
*I
still quite like the idea of this method, as it is a method of knowledge. Because one has this
knowledge, one is able to do it... nothing extraordinary beyond it!
7/9
0? deferred awakenings; on my alarm clock/dream log awakening I was lucid and
made an exit attempt; I started to cycle then stopped - I had already been
awake for some time. Perhaps I should try the "imagination" method on
these awakenings, as it is usually not too far from hypnagogia.
7/10
No results
7/11
Caught an early awakening; was self-aware; tried to exit - nothing. Sat up
instead.
7/12
3 awakenings, no separation attempts were made.
7/13
No results. I've noticed when I awaken my first thoughts are usually me
rehearsing the dreams from the evening. I trained myself to do this over the
years. Perhaps I'm doing this mental rehearsal during the "twilight"
or "transition" window Raduga speaks about and need to retrain
myself?
7/14
1 (late?) exit attempt; part of a cycle of techniques; stopped as it was doing
nothing
*When
I first started I had many "false awakenings" (when I imagined I was
awake and went to write in the dream log) - is this the window Raduga is
talking about? How do I train myself to do this?
*If
this is it - the issue I had was I was unconscious (not aware) during those
awakenings.
7/15
No exit attempts. Despite three months of failure, remaining dispassionate
here. Perhaps I may need to take an extended to time to "train"
myself to "exit on awakening" just as I trained myself to mentally
rehearse the dreams? Not sure how to do both (if that is the issue).
7/16
No noticeable awakenings or exit attempts...
7/17
I think the alarm may be set too early. Will try a later time (6 hours)
tonight.
7/18
No results
7/19
No deferred awakenings?
7/20
Don't seem to be getting deferred awakenings
7/21
No deferred awakenings... need to adjust my sleep pattern and try again
7/22
No deferred awakenings
*Disappointing
it has been months and had no results at all. Even partial success could
clarify which direction to take it in. Perhaps it is a lack of deferred
awakenings, being trained to rehearse dreams on awakening rather than separate,
or another problem.
*I
have only followed Raduga's instructions twice since I began the indirect
method log.
*Just
keep the intent to separate on every awakening and keep at it.
7/23
No deferred awakenings? Not being conscious in first moments?
7/27
Haven't had any deferred awakenings and haven't been aware on my first moments
of waking. :/
Direct Method
7/1
13
mins lying down - modest vibrations in hands and feet
35
mins lying down - bordered very close to falling sleep
16
mins lying down - modest vibrations
18
mins lying down - very close to falling asleep
6
mins lying down - questioning "what is happening during meditation? is the
body entering sleep paralysis (mundane)? is the key element the exercise of
silencing the mind? does motionlessness help induce the vibrational
state?"
11
mins lying down - modest vibrations
7/2
39
mins lying down - resting; self-enquiring; napping - still have never induced a
strong vibrational state
15
mins lying down - experiment with relaxing all the muscles, then the mind
7
mins lying down - modest vibrations in hands and feet
10
mins lying down - modest vibrations
7/9
37
mins lying down - modest vibrations and some hypnagogia
7/10
*Extended
period lying down before sleep - some vibrations
*Interesting
moment - there was a short window in which my imagination was briefly
"manifested" (like switching from the physical world to the
imagination world). I had never experienced this before. I was not able to
"deepen" the experience (it only lasted a few seconds) but maybe this
is the "switch" Frank Kepple / Ryan Tasker are referring to?
*Having
some reflections on: the nondual state; the need for the direct method; Jeff
Brooks' jhana teaching; on why OOB writers don't refer to these jhanas; whether
jhanas are just mundane steps to sleep paralysis or not; and if they are
mundane why the Buddha correlates each jhana level to different levels of deva.
7/12
8
mins lying down - lost interest
7/13
*Meditation
remains very dry and unsatisfying. But, reading the posts of Winston
"Rougeleader" on how the practice is transforming him makes me
rethink it. Perhaps I should meditate at least 1-2 hours a day following Jeff's
model.
*OK,
let's try it. Self-enquiry and the indirect method have produced no results.
*Let's
do something intensive, but nothing too ridiculous: 1-2 hours a day for one
month.
*If
something "happens" after 2 hours I can continue if I wish, but
otherwise I will stop at 2 hours.
40
mins sitting: was unable to keep sitting - got very bored and dry; rear end
fell asleep; had some intrusive thoughts about urologist appointment; will
resume later
29
mins corpse pose: some tingles (I have no interest in these) - got rather dry /
boring; will resume later
*One
of the things that makes me question the hours of meditation practice is that I
can't imagine Teresa of Avila or John of the Cross doing this. Would they lie
there, motionless, for hours on end? Would that concept even have existed in the
Spain they lived in at the time? And yet they still made tremendous progress in
the spirit. So how would their practice have been different?
*I'm
not sure if this idea makes sense, but it's something I am trying to apply to
the contemplative life: that it must have been "accessible" and
"fair" throughout history. If one lived in a culture with no concept
of Buddhist meditation, the heights of spiritual attainment must still have
been attainable for the monastics or mystics of that time.
15
mins sitting - dry; some tingles (again I have no interest in these); same
state of consciousness as waking state; need to finish
28
mins sitting
7
mins sitting - for the sake of completion
Day
1 Results: Overall I feel mostly the same as when I started. Maybe I felt a little
"stirring" of energy and maybe as
I walk around after the fact I feel my mind is more "consolidated" -
but I could just as well attribute these to imagination. Overall I would say I
feel mostly the same.
I
noticed that (as I live with people) I was much more disagreeable this morning
as I tried to have discipline in getting the 2 hrs in. There are constant
interruptions, never mind one's own boredom and dryness. It reminds me of an
anecdote of UG Krishnamurti - how his father would beat the children if they
made noise while he meditated. UG felt this exposed the hypocrisy of
meditators.
If
meditation can indeed be "transformative" is raises the question of
"how?" The answer to this is what I have been foundering with for
years, I suppose. At first I thought my remaining habitual thoughts were the
issue; those are resolved now, so no. Then, I thought spiritual development
would happen holistically as I grew in wisdom and experience; it has been years
now and this has not happened, so no. For years I inclined toward walking
meditation and the "24/7" practices - self-enquiry, the Jesus Prayer,
Aum Namah Shivaya, self-remembering, sati, nepsis, etc. - with no results.
If
sitting meditation will eventually bring results perhaps it is due to the
following. 1. As opposed to the "24/7" practices (maintained while
doing other activities), when physically sitting still the mind does not have
to engage with anything, thus saving
energy. 2. When the body is motionless it is also conserving energy. 3. When
the eyes are mostly closed, the lack of sense input also conserves energy.
Thus: with this theory, meditation is facilitating the conservation and
movement of "energy" which brings spiritual results.
This
is the only narrative I can think of that would make the physical act of sitting there for 1-2 hrs in any way superior to
the "24/7" practices I have been maintaining up until this point. I
think one issue for me is I just find those 24/7 practices actually relaxing,
and sitting not relaxing at all. But, we will test it. I will try to keep up
this 1-2 hr practice for 30 days and record the results.
7/14
Sitting
meditation
3
mins - distracted
15
mins - a bit of hypnagogia; started dozing off so changed position
Lying
down
14
mins - came close to falling asleep so changed position; getting some intrusive
thoughts - thinking about urologist appointment
5
mins - new position was uncomfortable so adjusted it
20
mins - again came close to falling asleep
Sitting
18
mins - rear end falling asleep; getting bored
15
mins
9
mins - this is not relaxing, and not enjoyable: stopping
Day
2 Results: Again I feel the same as when I began. I realize an issue may be the
piecemeal method of these many small sessions - but it is the most relaxing way
I can add up to 1-2 hrs without excessive distress, boredom, or falling asleep.
*As
I reflect on how unpleasant this Day 2 of meditation was, I think I may have to
try a different approach.
7/15
10
mins sitting
Walking
meditation: extensive
7/16
Given
the lack of results with the indirect method, I am considering giving Monroe's
method another try. Perhaps each night go to bed an hour early or so, and
meditate into sleep (or stay motionless as long as I can stand it). May give it
a try tonight.
*Lying
on back, corpse pose: Reached the stage when the strong urge to roll over came,
and mentally was near to falling asleep. I should be savvy to this by now - but
I changed position. The new position was uncomfortable though.
This
I think is the brain's trick to see if you are awake. The rollover urge checks
if you are awake (the same thing as the itches). I notice I can practice
self-enquiry (keep the mind silent) till reaching this stage or let the mind
wander / daydream and seemingly reach it sooner.
The
challenge, I suppose, is to keep a thread of semi-consciousness there somehow as
the mental lethargy emerges.
*Second
attempt in corpse pose: same thing, reached rollover urge stage - moved
again...
Attained
some hypnagogia and vibrations but nothing special.
Third
attempt (this is quite late in the evening by this stage): made the note that
self-enquiry was keeping us conscious?
*Thinking
about the Ben "bedeekin" recommendation of the afternoon nap (and
then try the direct method). It would require consciously losing a few hours
sleep (and cause some crankiness during the day) but I may have to give it a
go.
7/18
Direct method into sleep: some modest vibrations and hypnagogia
Had
a lot of trouble getting to sleep
*Note:
Might try the "ramp timer" suggested by Phase Evolution without
results with other methods.
7/19
No
results from meditation-into-sleep: reached rollover stage and decided to roll
over rather than fight the stress...
7/20
Alright,
going to try to meditate-into-sleep again today. I want to hit the
"rollover" stage and then stay
with it as long as humanly possible. To war with the discomfort of it, if
possible.
*Went
to bed late (thought this might help but it didn't) and tried to meditate-into-sleep
on the stomach. Feel asleep and never reached the rollover signal. Going to try
again on 7/21 with the intent to fight the rollover signal, this time lying on
the back and going to bed a bit earlier...
7/21
Another
meditate-into-sleep on the back. Did hit the rollover signal. Fought with it
for a bit, then rolled over and went to sleep. Was mentally
"fatigued." Should try again, this time going to bed a bit earlier.
*The
vanity of these attempts - if I have to be doing it near to REM as some of the
OOB writers mentioned - is something I am still considering.
7/22
Meditation-into-sleep
attempt in corpse pose. Mind started wandering ultimately from boredom. Came
back and was still awake. Resisted rollover attempt. No results.
7/23
Meditated
into sleep: no results
*20
mins lying down - some hypnagogia and began to doze off...
*All
I can really think to do is 1. practice self-enquiry, 2. perhaps practice
bodily motionlessness daily, 3. perhaps begin daily meditation (sitting), 4.
meditate into sleep, 5. continue indirect method attempts, 6. cultivate
lucidity checks... not sure what I'm missing.
7/24
Meditated
into sleep in corpse pose: no results
7/28
2
attempts at direct method before going to sleep: no results
7/29
Will
try again this evening with just the classic Monroe method. Going to listen to
music for 60 minutes (gets so boring otherwise). Going to try somewhat early in
the evening so I'm not actually tired when making the attempt.
*25
minutes in corpse pose before I rolled over from the stress / fatigue /
rollover signal. Perhaps need to try it earlier?
Self-Enquiry
7/1
Long
soul searching debate over whether there is anything to be attained beyond the
present "still mind" state. Is it possible to lose a sense of
individual I-hood and attain a sense of I in unity with all? If it is possible,
will self-enquiry lead to that? Is it potent enough as a practice?
Whether
it is possible or not, the experiment could not hurt. We will practice with the
following rules: 1. to practice it persistently except 2. when the mind is
necessary for whatever tasks are at hand (be practical).
7/2
More
reflection on the idea of a "selfless" state. Rereading parts of
Underhill's book - this seems to be what is called "contemplation" or
"union" in Western mysticism.
7/11
Still
continuing with self-enquiry when possible. It has never produced a
"nondual" experience - only this generally silent state. I am
thinking I may reread Teresa of Avila's Inner
Castle critically. I think her "prayer of union" is this nondual
state. I seem to recall her saying it just "happens" but want to see
if I can get a better understanding of this.
*Compared
to years ago, I can say there are no major problematic/compulsive thoughts that
are getting in the way of self-enquiry.
*If
I see any recurring thoughts I will try to recount them. Of course, the goal is
to eliminate these and swap from the "rider" (the small conscious
mind) to the "elephant" (the mega-processor behind it).
*Today/recently
it has been: mental monologue of events from history - rehearsing events of the
19th century ("preparing for work"); rehearsing thoughts on bodily
issues - abdominal pain, hair, urology
(complaining, fear, and creating narratives); and mentally rehearsing a
conflict I have been having over work emails.
*So...
the idea is practicing self-enquiry eventually leads to a state that is
"given" rather than achieved and that is the nondual state or
"prayer of union"... Teresa of Avila writes it just "happens."
So apparently I should just keep up the effort and keep the faith...
7/14
Lots
of walking meditation while practicing self-enquiry (has been my daily practice
for many years): this is enjoyable
unlike sitting meditation. Doesn't produce anything though.
7/18
I
am not sure if this is the part I have neglected up till now, but on occasion
with self-enquiry I am able to "let go" of the sense of "I"
or self. Perhaps this is the way to contemplation. Part of the issue is I seem
to need to "use" that "I" when I do serious activities. I
will not worry about that. I will try to "let go" of the sense of "I"
now and see what happens.
7/19
No
results so far... experiment should go forward with the "letting go of
self"
7/22
This
AM started peeling away from the enquiry practice. Frustration of its lack of
results I suppose. Rededicating myself to it and to the practice of inner quiet
/ silence.
7/23
Continuing
with self-enquiry / cultivating silence
7/24
In
the AM when very relaxed, I do seem to hit a short "window" of peacefulness
for a bit... nothing to write home about though
7/26
Feel
pretty peaceful at the moment. Trying to savor it...
7/27
Just
keep practicing it, even if it seems we have "achieved" the maximum
possible...
Affirmations
7/1
While going to sleep affirmed the intent to go OOB; for a time visualized
walking around the kitchen; then transitioned to self-enquiry. No results.
7/2
Wrote 10 times the self-contradicting statement "I will lose the sense of
'I'"; wrote 10 times "tonight I will find myself out of body."
7/3
"Tonight I will find myself out of body" 10 times.
7/5
Same
7/26
My
"impromptu" proto-OOBE I had months ago seemed to just come... I
remember finding myself in the room.... instead of writing I will try to fill
the mind with the intent to separate in the minutes prior to sleep, whether by
reading or affirming. Will give it a try. May combined this with a simple WBTB
tonight.
*No
results
Lucidity Checks
7/8
"Am I dreaming?" It has been hard to keep this one as a practice. I
should try to habituate myself to conduct them at intervals throughout the day
(while also continuing with self-enquiry). I should do them for at least 2
weeks then see if they carry over into sleep. I have been remembering more
dreams recently so if only I could use that to become lucid more. The dream
consciousness is something totally different however. I do notice I will often
question the logic of something in a dream, however this never results in
self-awareness. I think I had perhaps 1-2 lucid dreams over the years but they
were both at a very low level of clarity (not much higher than imagination).
Now that I've learned the "deepening method" I am fascinated if I can
get it to a state that is hyperreal.
Deep Relaxation
7/14
Given
how miserable it was to sit for meditation today, perhaps I will try a
different strategy. As opposed to a formal sit, I will just focus on relaxing
deeply: if possible, in combination with continual self-enquiry, walking
meditation, or (if I feel like it) sitting or lying down. I will do this
without time limits or constraints.
One
issue with this is when I have done it in the past I have felt it turns into
"autosuggestion." As though I were just hypnotizing myself like a
fool. Let's try to put that reservation to one side for now and try it anyway.
*As
I work on this for a bit the thoughts arise... "how is this any different
from my ordinary practice?"... "there are no additional practices for
me to pursue that I haven't already"... "what does it mean to
'relax'? I am 'relaxed.'"
*The
Inner Director seems firm in its instruction that I should not worry about
Jhanananda, Bodhimind, or Rougeleader... that I am on the path and I am going
to attain the goal... that I should separate myself from them. Well, it is what
it is.
Bodily Motionlessness
7/16
The
only practice I am notably lacking in (other than the 24/7
"self-enquiry") is bodily motionlessness. This was a question I posed
to Jeff several months ago but did not get a good answer on. Is motionlessness
required for spiritual development? I do not know the answer to this and it is
the only thing I can think of as an impediment. Perhaps walking meditation is
insufficient for this reason. This seems so arbitrary however; and throughout
history would have impeded many great spirits from attaining the heights.
I
did attain the vibratory state (not strong, but mild) a couple months ago when
I practiced this so it may be something to try again. That is, incline toward
not moving to see if it facilitates anything.
Pre-Sleep / Nap Method
I'm
off work still so let's try the Benjamin "bedeekin" method. None of
the other methods have worked so far. Tonight I will intentionally get up short
of a full night's sleep and then stay awake. I will nap in the afternoon
tomorrow for ~2 hours. Then I will stay awake for ~2-3 hours. Finally I will go
to bed with the direct method technique (in theory I will be "primed"
to enter REM) and see what happens!
7/25
Initial
thoughts: this would be quite disruptive of ordinary habits as the mind is a
bit confused / disoriented and restless. Certainly I would not want to be
driving or operating heavy machinery while doing this. I also question the
extent to which this method differs from the simple alarm method I have been
using in the middle of the night? Although perhaps the disrupted mentally state
is the whole point of it. I also note the special 2-3 hr delay bedeekin
recommends that differs from a normal WBTB.
Bedeekin
recommends to use a mantra (mentally "hear" a sound) when one relaxes
bodily for the induction into REM. So, I will give this a go... I will use
"Om" or "Om Namah Shivaya." He then says after doing this
for about 10 mins max a "shift" occurs, one then does a separation
technique... and you're out.
*No
results. A few thoughts on the technique:
*Because
it is dependent on having a nap there are a lot of ways this one will fail or
run into issues following the steps 100%. I was not tired enough to sleep at 8.
(I know myself, I was tired in the afternoon and if I had slept then I would
have only had a ~20 min nap.) I stayed awake until 11:30, slept till 1:30,
stayed awake till 3:30, then make the attempt.
*On
reflection this seems to be just a simple WBTB (not much different from the
alarm method I have been using) with the difference of 1. the sleep deprivation
and 2. the two hour delay between the nap and attempt.
*I
am not sure on the value of the sleep deprivation or the delay. They are also
the biggest problems when making this attempt. The lack of sleep causes
disorientation, stress, and confusion throughout the day while the 2 hour
interval between the pre-sleep and attempt was extremely, extremely unpleasant
to remain awake for.
Piecemeal Bodily Motionlessness
7/26
One
thing that was bringing partial results a couple months ago was this. I was
practicing motionlessness in a piecemeal way (that is, sitting stock still for
10 mins, 10 mins, 10 mins... adding up to at least an hour) throughout the day.
May give this one another go.
*Didn't
do it 7/26 - been very restless. Been very sedentary lately so that's probably
contributing to the restlessness (body wants to move to keep in good health).
Also seem to just have an inner "push" not to sit in meditation
endlessly...
7/28
Feeling
dull vibrations (mostly in hands and feet) off and on. Practicing the
motionlessness here and there while just sitting, on the computer, etc. When I
was feeling the vibrations consistently was when I had a number of false
awakenings and my one proto-OOBE. Coincidence? Worth investigating...
Visualizations
7/27
Rereading
parts of William Buhlman's book. Might give his method another go. Perhaps try
it for 30 days. Instead of the images I was using before, perhaps visualize
something mundane instead, like walking around the living room? Don't
necessarily feel an inner "push" to do this either...
7/28
Some
limited visualizations of a young woman, "Shakti"...
