*The
goal of course is to improve recall over time – and to get to lucidity…
6/3
3 recalled; I wrote that I could have remembered more but I snoozed at the
alarm…
6/4
0 recalled; I dreamed this night – by my notes it looks like the REM stage was
interrupted by the alarm but I chose to snooze and forgot them – the snoozing
is likely caused by the allergy medication I am taking
6/5
11 dreams recalled
6/6
1 dream recalled; forgot others
6/7
1 dream recalled; forgot others
*Here
I realized I have stopped doing “reality checks” due to a lack of results…
admittedly it would help to find a more reliable method
6/8
1 dream recalled; I know I had many dreams this evening but I forgot most of
them; there was a little bit of questioning, but not what I would call
proto-lucidity; in the dream I can remember I smoked 5 cigarettes (I would
not smoke these) and was quite enjoying the nicotine, though I was
questioning on some level what I was doing
6/9
2 dreams recalled; it seems my recall is based on when I awaken (I remember
more if I awaken just after REM) - I don't seem to be improving my overall
recall though
6/10
1 dream recalled but I know I had a lot of dreams this night, and some were
very interesting; in one dream I had a clear OOB ideation – but it did not lead
to lucidity
*Resumed
doing reality checks: asking “am I dreaming?” and touching some part of the
body at random intervals throughout the day
*I
read reality checks take at least 2 weeks' practice before they begin to carry
over to the dream state
6/11
2 recalled; had a lot but forgot them
6/12
0 recalled; I rehearsed 4? mentally during deferred awakenings but forgot them
when I woke up fully and went to write them down
6/13
7 recalled; dreamed quite a lot this night but forgot several; I try to
rehearse (repeat) the dreams over in my head but when it comes to write them in
the morning I forget them
6/14
2 recalled; remembered 0 initially then a couple came to me; had a lot more
though
6/15
1 recalled
6/16
0 recalled; I rehearsed some mentally around 4 AM but was quite fatigued; I
know I had several dreams, but forgot them on awakening
6/17
0 recalled; remembered a few fragments around 4 AM but neglected to write them;
forgot by the morning
6/18
3 recalled; could have written more but at 1 AM I thought to myself that the
scenes were not too important and valued my sleep more
6/19
4 recalled
6/20
0 recalled; disappointing
6/21
1? dream recalled - can't really remember it though
6/22
2 dreams recalled
6/23
0 recalled; recalled a couple fragments originally but lost them by morning
6/24
3 recalled; dreamed a lot but lost much of it; was too tired to write and
valued sleep more than writing nonsensical dream fragments...
6/25
5 recalled; recalled the idea of what another was about but forgot it; I know I
dreamed more but can't recall them
6/26
0 recalled; recalled 1 at the alarm but didn't write it down; pretty sure I
dreamed but forgot them
6/27
0 recalled; haven't had any strong recall now for about a week; I'm aware that
I did dream but the memories are not
staying with me when I awake - perhaps waking up without an alarm clock has
this effect?
6/28
0 recalled; I think the new plan for these should be 1. when I awake with the
alarm, write any dreams, and 2. if my separation attempt fails, write any
dreams (I should be making the separation attempt with any non-alarm
awakening...)
6/29
3 recalled
6/30
3 recalled
Indirect Method
6/3
0 deferred awakenings
6/4
1 deferred awakening; though I moved on awakening, I
attempted to separate; I did not cycle further separation attempts
6/5
1 deferred awakening, failed to attempt a separation
6/6
1 deferred awakening, forgot to try to separate
*I
made a note here I may have to postpone these attempts until I am off work and
have late mornings…
6/7
0 deferred awakenings
6/8
3? deferred awakenings, but they were all early in the sleep cycle; was too
fatigued to make separation attempts for the first two; I made 1 separation
attempt for the last but did not do it properly; I moved prior to attempting
and had a full bladder; I did not cycle exit attempts
6/9
2 deferred awakenings; made no attempts to separate – frustrating
6/10
0 deferred awakenings
6/11
0 deferred awakenings
6/12
2? deferred awakenings, no separation attempts – rehearsed dreams mentally; was
fatigued; moved?
6/13
0 deferred awakenings; I wonder if my efforts to rehearse the dreams mentally
may be an obstacle to using the indirect method
6/14
1 deferred awakening, no separation attempt
*After
today I’m off work (no more getting up at 6 AM) so I may finally be able to
have success with this method now
6/15
3 deferred awakenings; moved for each and my bladder was full; tried to
separate and cycled one set of separation attempts for each; no results
6/16
0? deferred awakenings
6/17
0 deferred awakenings
6/18
2 deferred awakenings; made a partial attempt at separation the first time; it
is very hard to not move or open the eyes; I am going to begin disregarding the
physical position of the body as often it is in a very uncomfortable position
*Making
the resolution to rededicate myself to the indirect method here. I have been
off work for four days now. I am going to put the dream recall to one side (not
going to be the primary goal now). Instead each awakening I want to make the
separation attempt and then cycle separation attempts. Within the first moment
of awakening - separate! Don't move or open the eyes.
6/19
1 deferred awakening but was unable to make use of it; I think I developed a
urinary tract infection; disrupted sleep this evening
6/20
2 deferred awakenings; no separations
*As
I said I want to rededicate myself to this method as I really think this should
be the most reliable way to get out. I'm disappointed at the lack of progress.
What I will do is each time I fail I will write a reflection and try to analyze
what "went wrong."
*This
evening I think the issues may be the following... 1. Issues with fatigue and
remembering the plan of action when in that "twilight" state. 2.
Thinking I've already spoiled the opportunity by being "too awake,"
not in the right state, in the wrong position, etc. 3. Too intent a focus on
catching that first "second" of awakening. I did not follow through
with the full effort at cycling exit attempts.
*Plan
of action:
1.
Ask, "Am I awake?" Answer: "Yes."
2.
Stay still and keep the eyes closed. Try to exit.
3.
Fail? First cycle...
4.
Second cycle...
5.
Third cycle.
6/21
3? deferred awakenings, 1 solid separation attempt, 2 half-assed ones... No
separation though
*OK
- had one solid effort at separation. That explicit step of asking "Am I
awake?" and answering "Yes" was extremely constructive. I
attempted to separate (levitate, roll out, sit up) - no results. I cycled
separation techniques (rubbing imaginary hands, swimming, rotating,
"noticing," phantom wiggling) in three sets. The phantom wiggling
(like it did before) actually seemed to bring some results... I feel I was in
some sort of vibratory state or that something may have been separating or in
the process of doing so...
*The
other deferred awakenings I did half-assed separations or none. I think these
times I fell prey again to the ideas that I was "too awake,"
"not in the right state," etc. I need to be sure to follow the plan
anyway. Even if I feel I am nowhere close to REM, ask "Am I awake?"
then diligently go through the steps.
*Here
I want to affirm to myself not to be discouraged. Though it looks like I may
have spent a month on this, really I have not. I would say this was the first
evening where I fully followed the indirect method steps correctly. Now, need
to make a habit of this!
6/22
2 deferred awakenings, no separation attempts - as I awoke each time my body
was turning itself over... I've noticed this is a new habit it has; I assumed
if I tried to separate it was already spoiled; disappointing
6/23
2? deferred awakenings; if I recall the issue with the first was my moving
while awakening again... if my reservation on the second is I am too
"late" or "awake" that is untrue since I often fall back into
the next sleep phase...
*I
am reading more accounts of people who say the indirect method is the best way
to exit. If I can get it work 1. once and then 2. with regularity then this is
it. It will also be fascinating, as it will prove my Inner Director right,
which intuited to me over all these years that meditation was not a
constructive use of time.
6/24
2? deferred awakenings - have this bad habit where my body is turning or moving
the moment I awaken; I went to start an exit attempt but thought the physical
movement spoiled it
6/25
1 deferred awakening; third morning of the "body is turning over as I
awake" issue... I know that I didn't used to do this on the same level,
perhaps I can retrain myself...
6/26
1 deferred awakening; again the issue emerged of the body rotating or moving on
awakening; I tried to separate anyway (was in a very uncomfortable position);
went through the three initial exit attempts then went through one cycle of
separation methods; I felt some modest vibrations but that was it; then briefly
experimented with the direct method and visualization but they only produced
modest vibrations again; trying to keep disciplined and not be discouraged
*Going
to try to train myself in a new approach: the moment I realize I'm awake, immediately try to exit...
6/27
3? deferred awakenings, 1 half-assed separation attempt
*Very
frustrating now. Perhaps the problem is I am becoming aware of the body before
I make the exit attempt. I think that was something Benjamin
"bedeekin" mentioned. I also recall Mike Raduga saying to "be
aggressive." Going to try to time it better and be aggressive with it (in
that window of the first second or so). I will reread some of the comments on
the indirect method today. I think I will try to train myself to exit the
moment I'm awake prior to becoming aware
of the physical body being there.
6/28
3? deferred awakenings, 0 separation attempts
*I
think my issue here was 1. not remembering to separate and 2. thinking I had
awoken or gained consciousness too "late." Disappointing waste again!
Need to train myself - be disciplined. Every awakening try to separate. No
excuses. Even if I awaken "late," try anyway.
6/29
1 deferred awakening, 1 separation attempt, 1 cycle of exit techniques
*Good
discipline here; need to maintain it. I think "awareness" came late
(I'm going to try to exit and cycle regardless every time).
6/30
1 deferred awakening, 0 exit attempts
*Not
sure on the issue here. Moved or something else was the excuse? Made no exit
attempt...
Unconscious Mind Method
*This
is an idea I got from reading William Buhlman’s book which affirms comments
I’ve read from others. Some say they just go to bed with the intent to leave
the body and about half the time they wake up in the middle of the night separated.
I must admit this method just seems to make the most sense to me. “Why can’t I
just will that I will separate and separate?”
6/6
This first day I wrote on a page 12 times “Tonight I will leave the body” and
then made the verbal affirmation several times before sleeping. No results.
6/7
Wrote 12 times "Tonight I leave the body with ease" and made
affirmations. No results.
6/8
Wrote 12 times "Tonight I will find myself out of the body" and
affirmed before sleeping. No results.
6/9
Wrote 12 times "Tonight I will find myself outside of the body" and
affirmed before sleeping. No results.
6/10
Wrote 12 times "Tonight I will find myself out of the body" and made
affirmations throughout the day. No results.
6/11
Same
6/12
Same
6/13
Same
6/14
Same
6/15
Same
6/16
Same
6/17
Same
6/18
Same
6/19
Same; also wrote the indirect method affirmation "when I awaken I will
separate" and wrote out the indirect method "plan of action."
6/20
Wrote the "Tonight I will find myself out of the body" affirmation.
6/21
Same
6/22
Same
6/23
Same
6/24
The spontaneous proto-OOBE I experienced a month ago I haven't been able to
reproduce... switched today to turn this into a lucidity exercise; wrote 12
times "Am I dreaming?"
6/25
Indirect method affirmation: "When I awaken I will separate"; spontaneous
nighttime OOBE affirmation: "I will find myself out of body while
dreaming."
6/26
Affirmation: "tonight I will find myself out of body."
6/27
Same
Visualization Method
*This
method never really appealed to me but I keep seeing it again and again from
people. Robert Monroe, Frank Kepple, and Ryan Tasker seem to say the point is
just to get the attention away from the physical body.
*I’ve
always been averse to this approach as it feeds into my old prejudice about the
OOBE – that it is just a mental projection. I am also not great at imagining;
it is hard to sustain an image in complete detail and honestly I find the
experience pretty unsatisfactory. But, I may give it a go…
6/5
Experiment: Attempted the William Buhlman “visualization” technique - imagined
being in the presence of a young woman; pictured her face and hair; let myself
get lost in this for a moment; and, surprisingly, for a brief moment my eyes
went into something like REM and I felt vibrations. But, I could not sustain
it.
6/7
Made some experiments with visualizing; tried to imagine being in the presence
of a (new) young woman. (Keep in mind I do not find this visualization averse
to spirituality.) Had a lot of trouble making the image concrete. Questioning if
this is a workable approach.
6/11
Same
6/12
Same
6/13
Same
*Buhlman
recommends to do the visualization for about a month persistently.
6/14
Visualized for 25 mins. This time I created a full scene, visualized meeting
the young woman on the bus, visualized my own body, and visualized walking with
her through a city.
*Mentally
I am thinking of this young woman as a temporary embodiment of
"Shakti" for me to connect to.
6/15
Some experiments with visualization.
*It
seems the objective here is to create the image, object, or scene, try to
"deepen" the sense experience of it, and then allow yourself to
"step into" your own imagination. The idea being that “imagination”
is a faculty of the non-physical reality and another natural transition into
the OOBE.
6/17
1.
Visualized meeting with "Shakti" while waiting at a train station. Went
through a full "scene" again. "Where are you going?"
"Home," I answered ("Home" with a capital "H").
"You?" "I am here to meet a friend..." Visualized the whole
scene... No results.
2.
Imagined a candle and attempted to "feel" it with the senses.
Imagined myself in a completely darkened room, with only the candle before me.
I tried to see it, tried to feel its heat... No results.
3.
Imagined the Shiva linga; similar efforts as with the candle experiment above.
No results.
6/18
Experiments with "Shakti," "Shiva linga," and "Cosmic
Dancer" visualizations. No results.
6/19
Visualized meeting with "Shakti" in the form of a new young woman.
Visualized a whole "scene"... No results.
6/20
More experiments with the visualization of scenes.
6/21
More work with imagination and visualization.
6/26
Experiments with Shakti and Shiva linga visualizations.
6/27
Minor experiments with imagination.
Direct Method (meditation induced OOBE)
*As
I mentioned earlier, the idea the direct method only works when one is near the
REM state is something I am considering. There is a Frank Kepple post (along
with a post by Benjamin “bedeekin”) that suggests one must be in a pre-REM
state for the direct method to work…
*Despite
this being the method taught by Jeff Brooks, who has been my teacher up till
now, I am inclined toward what Michael Raduga commented that this is the
"hardest" induction method... I am also feeling a little incredulous
at Jeff in some ways, as he began having OOBEs at the age of six.
*If
I can get the indirect method to work, it would fit the path I've followed -
the way of the "sly man," as Gurdjieff once said...
*Having
said that, the lack of results with the other methods makes me think the direct
method may have to be the way… although it is quite disappointing to meditate
for hours (I have had days where I meditated for four hours…) and have no results.
6/3
Goal:
Deepen vibrations
Practice:
closed eyes, “relaxing” (nothing special about it), motionless, with ambient
music…
75
mins (broken up between four sessions) lying down; 15 mins sitting meditation
Results:
Very low, almost unnoticeable vibrations (with the lying down sessions) to no
vibrations (with the sitting session)
6/4
Goal:
Deepen vibrations
Practice:
Same as above
37
mins (broken up between three sessions) lying down
Results:
Vibrations contained to the feet only
*Experimented
this day: Tried to influence the vibrations in the feet with commands and
drawing attention to them; mental commands seemed useless but placing the
attention there seemed to intensify them in the feet; couldn’t spread the
vibrations anywhere else though.
6/5
Goal:
Deepen vibrations
Practice:
Same as above
18
mins lying down
Results:
None
*I
made a note here a recurring issue with afternoon meditations is the first 20
mins is wasted – I doze off to sleep (this is likely tiredness from the
workday) – only if I resume the practice again after that do I appear able to
get vibrations. Can’t do much about this except wait to practice on
non-workdays.
6/11
Goal:
Deepen vibrations
Practice:
Same; experimented a bit this day with Frank Kepple's "noticing"
method. No results.
17
mins lying down
Results:
Some modest vibrations
6/12
Goal:
Deepen vibrations
Practice:
Same
38
mins lying down (broken up between three sessions)
Results:
None
*I
am thinking here on what my understanding of meditation should be. Should it be
an effort of “saturating” oneself with charisms or vibrations, or of turning
off engagement with the physical world in a single sitting?
*If
the former, many small sessions could amount to the full vibratory state (mine
are always modest), then the experience of separation would follow.
*If
the latter, it requires the proper context: quiet, darkness, no appointments or
obligations, the proper "set and setting," time, and mental state…
formerly I’d consider these factors of no importance.
*With
the latter: meditate until you get to the “void” state (never been here) – lose
connection to the physical – then try to phase.
*Alternately,
the Benjamin "bedeekin" approach that uses "naps" may be
another way. This of course involves waking up short a couple hours of sleep or
so; having an afternoon nap; then trying the direct method (then the time
needed is shorter and you go straight into REM).
*There
is a sort of “second wind” I have gotten when I force myself to meditate for
long periods. The experience is dry and dull but I have gotten here a few times
when the will is there. The “second wind” is when you lose a sense of time
spent in meditation. If this is the fourth jhana I am honestly unimpressed.
*Whenever
I read the writings of mystics I always thought there was a special
"state" they went into in which they were pulled out of themselves,
and liberated from the stresses of bodily existence; but, it has been a major
disappointment here where I have never encountered such a thing. Jhana 1 is
subtle joy; jhana 2 is the still mind; jhana 3 consists of the vibrations; and
jhana 4 is the "second wind." None of these fulfill what my goal was
for meditation: temporary liberation from myself and from suffering.
*Boredom
and dryness are my main issues with meditation. There is no incentive for me as
it has never led anywhere.
6/13
Goal:
Get to “void” state
Practice:
Same
45
mins lying down
Results:
Fell asleep; usual uselessness of afternoon attempts...
*The
guidance for the direct method is very contradictory. For example, to intensify
the vibrations Jeff Brooks says to focus on them whereas others advise to
ignore the sensations. Jeff says to use no music while the Monroe Institute
advises using music. Bob Monroe has a very convoluted induction method that
even includes facing in a certain direction. Here I think of the great Jeff
Bridges, "That's just, like, your opinion, man..." Much of this is
opinion based on what led these commenters to their subjective results.
6/15
Goal:
Amplify vibrations
Practice:
Same
15
mins sitting; 15 mins lying down
Results:
modest vibrations mostly in feet and lower legs
6/16
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same
20
mins lying down
Results:
modest vibrations in hands; then they went away
6/17
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same; third session focused on the still mind and listened to the ringing in
the ears (explicitly didn't let the mind wander) - seemed to have more results
50
mins lying down (broken up between four sessions)
Results:
modest vibrations in feet and hands; third session had a modest vibration at
the crown of the head; fourth session no results
6/18
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same
50
mins lying down
Results:
modest vibrations
6/19
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same
15
mins lying down
Results:
No vibrations
6/21
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same
31
mins lying down (two sessions)
Results:
Modest vibrations - hands and feet
*I
am starting to think of the "jhanas" as being very mundane... They
are just steps along the way to sleep paralysis. The idea of "jhana"
as a concrete, esoteric thing necessary for spiritual development is losing its
mystique. This is the same sense of disillusionment I went through with Gurdjieff.
Well, it is just a model to help one understand what is happening.
*I
am beginning to think the "Emily" model is what it is all about; that
that is the most important "work" in the spirit we do while here in
the physical. Ultimately, it is about self-knowledge, personal transformation,
learning, wisdom, and asceticism. That is the most valuable training.
6/25
Goal:
Sleep paralysis
Practice:
Same
25
mins lying down
Results:
Nearly fell asleep, woke up
6/26
Goal:
Vibrations
Practice:
Same
22
mins lying down
Results:
Some vibrations; then dryness, frustration, and boredom
